IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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Monitoring
people
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's activities through electronic devices
such
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 as mobile phones and cameras is a growing practice in society recently.
However
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, some
people
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 have issues with unnoticeable supervision which makes them unaware and even anxious. I will elaborate on the advantages of keeping the practices going
instead
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 of focusing on the setbacks
through
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for
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 several reasons. In a digital world where
people
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 can track everything, means that
people
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 have absolute control over possible criminal acts. There must be no problem if
people
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 do activity as usual and do not have any potential to do unlawful acts. Yet, some individuals argue that they conduct crimes because there is no strict law applicable to them.
Therefore
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, the presence of digital supervision becomes an urgent matter to regulate to ensure these criminals are being watched properly by law enforcement officers.
For instance
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, suspicious activity from a former prisoner's phone may raise a signal to police to stay aware
for
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of
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 any potential misconduct. It is beneficial for parents to take care of their offspring even in
cyber
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the cyber
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 world. Kids
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at in
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in
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an
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 early
ages
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age
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 are well-known to be curious to have a pleasant adventure on the internet. If the presence of parental supervision exists
while
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 children are unaware can create the best portrayal of how far children can make a conscious decision.
For example
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, parents will know if their offspring play games until midnight or not. To summarize, I personally believe keeping a closer watch over
people
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's activity through electronic media even if no
further
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 notice still supports positive improvement over the drawbacks because it provides crime prevention alternatives and parental guides to their children.

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task response
While the essay presents an opinion, it does not cover both sides of the argument as the prompt requires. The task is to discuss if the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, but the essay only discusses the advantages. You should aim to address both views and give a balanced discussion before presenting your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay needs more clear paragraphing with topic sentences that indicate the main idea of each paragraph. Use a variety of cohesive devices to better connect ideas and arguments throughout the essay. Aim for clarity in presenting arguments to aid the reader's understanding. Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are clearly defined and that they encapsulate the essay's main points effectively.
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