IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

People face far greater risks in the modern way of life than they did in the past. How far do you agree or disagree with this statement?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the modern era, some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that members of society encounter more diseases than before. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 issue and think the developments that we have made threaten our health.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the progress of technology has brought us a lot of
harms
Fix the agreement mistake
harm
show examples
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, nowadays we have more choices in all categories of life than before which
makes
Verb problem
causes
show examples
 us more problems.
Therefore
Linking Words
, there will be more pressure on us and
hence
Linking Words
, more stress and dangerous disorders like depression.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the technology has made our lives more convenient.
Initially
Linking Words
, it may seem a positive development but it has made us lazier than before which can lead to obesity.
For instance
Linking Words
, in developed countries like Sweden, obesity is so
prevelant
Correct your spelling
prevalent
 and most
people
Use synonyms
 suffer from that because of the lack of activity in both youth and adults. During recent years,
Correct article usage
the nutritions
show examples
nutritions
Fix the agreement mistake
nutrition
show examples
 we use
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
got
Verb problem
become
show examples
 more artificial and less natural. Some
people
Use synonyms
 think it is a good idea to make more artificial
ingredient
Fix the agreement mistake
ingredients
show examples
 like rice and meat because we should preserve the environment. But, consuming these foods can bring and even
make
Verb problem
cause
show examples
 a lot of deadly sicknesses.
Fore
Correct your spelling
For
show examples
 example in Iran, some tomatoes have
such
Linking Words
 a high degree of toxin in them that it can be seen by
eyes
Correct article usage
the eyes
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, some countries manipulate
genes
Correct article usage
the genes
show examples
 of plants to grow rapidly and be more prolific which can disrupt the balance of
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, there will be more
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
dangerous insects and
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
animals
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 carry various illnesses. In some parts of Indonesia,
for example
Linking Words
, because of deforestation, there aren't enough snakes to kill mosquitoes that carry
Malaris
Correct your spelling
malaria
 which makes
is
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
 so rampant among
people
Use synonyms
 of these regions.
To conclude
Linking Words
, with all due respect to
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 of new technologies, I think they threaten lives and make each generation lazier than before which can put their lives
into
Change preposition
at
show examples
 risk of disorders and even disabilities.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
You have presented your main points, but the logical structure of your essay could be significantly improved. Try to ensure your arguments follow a more logical sequence and that each paragraph serves a clear purpose within the overall essay structure.
coherence cohesion
While your essay includes an introduction and a conclusion, these sections do not effectively set up and summarily address the core argument of your essay. Your introduction should clearly state your position on the matter, and your conclusion should reinforce this stance, summarizing the main points of your argument.
task achievement
Your essay partially achieves the task by expressing agreement with the statement and giving reasons. However, the essay lacks a clear progression of ideas and the conclusion does not follow logically from the body paragraphs.
task achievement
You should strive to develop your ideas more comprehensively. Although you have presented solid points and examples, you could expand on these by elaborating on the implications or providing more depth to the supporting information.
task achievement
The examples provided are relevant but could be more specific. For instance, you could cite reputable sources for statistics or studies that support your arguments about obesity and environmental impacts of genetically modified foods. This specificity will enhance the credibility of your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cybersecurity
  • data privacy
  • environmental challenges
  • climate change
  • pollutants
  • biodiversity
  • stress-related illnesses
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • obesity
  • medical science
  • safety regulations
  • emergency services
  • information access
  • risk management
  • lifestyle diseases
  • technological advancements
What to do next:
Look at other essays: