People face far greater risks in the modern way of life than they did in the past. How far do you agree or disagree with this statement?
In the modern era, some
people
believe that members of society encounter more diseases than before. I completely agree with this
issue and think the developments that we have made threaten our health.
To begin
with, the progress of technology has brought us a lot of harms
. Fix the agreement mistake
harm
Firstly
, nowadays we have more choices in all categories of life than before which makes
us more problems. Verb problem
causes
Therefore
, there will be more pressure on us and hence
, more stress and dangerous disorders like depression. Secondly
, the technology has made our lives more convenient. Initially
, it may seem a positive development but it has made us lazier than before which can lead to obesity. For instance
, in developed countries like Sweden, obesity is so prevelant
and most Correct your spelling
prevalent
people
suffer from that because of the lack of activity in both youth and adults.
During recent years, Correct article usage
the nutritions
nutritions
we use Fix the agreement mistake
nutrition
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
got
more artificial and less natural. Some Verb problem
become
people
think it is a good idea to make more artificial ingredient
like rice and meat because we should preserve the environment. But, consuming these foods can bring and even Fix the agreement mistake
ingredients
make
a lot of deadly sicknesses. Verb problem
cause
Fore
example in Iran, some tomatoes have Correct your spelling
For
such
a high degree of toxin in them that it can be seen by eyes
. Correct article usage
the eyes
Additionally
, some countries manipulate genes
of plants to grow rapidly and be more prolific which can disrupt the balance of Correct article usage
the genes
environment
. Add an article
the environment
As a result
, there will be more of
Change preposition
apply
some
dangerous insects and Correct quantifier usage
apply
some
animals Correct quantifier usage
apply
who
carry various illnesses. In some parts of Indonesia, Correct pronoun usage
that
for example
, because of deforestation, there aren't enough snakes to kill mosquitoes that carry Malaris
which makes Correct your spelling
malaria
is
so rampant among Correct your spelling
it
people
of these regions.
To conclude
, with all due respect to advantages
of new technologies, I think they threaten lives and make each generation lazier than before which can put their lives Correct article usage
the advantages
into
risk of disorders and even disabilities.Change preposition
at
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coherence cohesion
You have presented your main points, but the logical structure of your essay could be significantly improved. Try to ensure your arguments follow a more logical sequence and that each paragraph serves a clear purpose within the overall essay structure.
coherence cohesion
While your essay includes an introduction and a conclusion, these sections do not effectively set up and summarily address the core argument of your essay. Your introduction should clearly state your position on the matter, and your conclusion should reinforce this stance, summarizing the main points of your argument.
task achievement
Your essay partially achieves the task by expressing agreement with the statement and giving reasons. However, the essay lacks a clear progression of ideas and the conclusion does not follow logically from the body paragraphs.
task achievement
You should strive to develop your ideas more comprehensively. Although you have presented solid points and examples, you could expand on these by elaborating on the implications or providing more depth to the supporting information.
task achievement
The examples provided are relevant but could be more specific. For instance, you could cite reputable sources for statistics or studies that support your arguments about obesity and environmental impacts of genetically modified foods. This specificity will enhance the credibility of your essay.