IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The two plans below compare the layout of a typical Japanese office and a typical American office. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

#two #plans #layout #japanese #office #american #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The picture illustrates the differences between
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
office
 styles in Japan and America.
Overall
,
while
 the Japanese version is designed to facilitate discussions among employees and supervisors,
offices
 in the US tend to arrange individuals into private spaces and hierarchies.
To begin
 with, the arrangement of chairs for employees in Japanese
offices
 is around a rectangular table to be more accessible to communicate and exchange ideas,
whereas
 the layout of typical
American
offices
 puts each worker in each L-shaped table through 2 lines of 10 one in the middle of the
offices
.
Moreover
, the seat of higher levels in the workplace is
also
 a different point. In detail, the space of
American
offices
 for section managers is
also
 separated into isolated rooms in the top right-hand corner. It is
also
 true in the location of the department manager who contributes to the biggest room because of the hierarchical framework, located next to the section manager’s room.
However
, section managers in Japanese
offices
 sit in front of their employees at the table and the position of department manager directly faces the joint desks of his subordinates, offering him an
overall
 view to monitor all the activities in the
office
. Looking at the rest, both
office
 styles
also
 have windows,
however
, the
American
 ones are equipped with more infrastructure than
offices
 in Japan. In the west of the
American
office
 next to the lines of employment tables, there are 4 rooms, including a copier, a storage room and 2 conference rooms from the top to the bottom.
Submitted by phuonglinhlp.0900 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear logical structure. While certain comparisons are attempted, the overall flow and organization of ideas can be significantly improved. It is important to structure the essay in a manner that allows for the comparison to be easily followed by the reader.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but lack clarity. A more distinct introduction that clearly outlines the purpose of the essay and a conclusion that effectively summarizes the main points would enhance the quality of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Some main points are supported with examples, but further development and explanation would strengthen the argument. Aim to provide more detail and depth when explaining the differences between the two office layouts.
task achievement
The essay gives an incomplete response to the task. To fully satisfy the task requirements, make sure to summarize all of the main features of the two offices, providing a comparison that includes all relevant details.
task achievement
The ideas presented are vague and not comprehensive. Strive for clarity and specificity when explaining concepts. Clear and straightforward expression of ideas is crucial for effective communication.
task achievement
While there are attempts at providing examples, they are not specific or relevant enough. Enhancing your essay with well-chosen examples that directly relate to the main features being compared would improve the task achievement score.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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