IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Shops should not be allowed to sell any food or drinks that have been scientifically proven to be bad for people’s health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#shops #food #drinks #people’s #health
Sometimes businesses do not care about
people
's health and the only intention they have is to increase profit. Despite some
people
's voting for trade liberty, I firmly believe that harmful
food
 and drinks must be forbidden from sale.
Firstly
,
however
, some individuals claim that poor
people
 must make their own choice to buy cheap
food
 or spend less money on lower quality. I think in
this
 case the Government gives the green light to the bad quality manufacturers.
In other words
, good
food
 will be non-competitive.
Thus
, producers of healthy products predictably will quit the market.
That is
 why so important to create supporting conditions for high-standard
food
 producers and sellers.
For example
, harmful palm oil supplements have been prohibited in Russia in recent days, which created the conditions for sunflower agriculture .
Secondly
, supporters of low-standard products say that restrictions would not work because prohibition will force companies to hide harmful components and
people
 will be misled anyway,
consequently
, they will have no ability to choose
food
 with useful components. In reality, I am sure that the strict regulation and the fair punishment for disobedience will eliminate rules breaking.
In addition
, the absence of harmful
food
 will contribute to extending life expectancy as in Europe where the
food
 industry is under precise control. By the way, palm oil is one of the most harmful components which provoke cancer and cancelling
this
 product is essential.
To sum up
, shops and the
food
 industry have an interest in selling cheap and harmful
food
 in terms of profit. Despite
this
, poor
people
 must have the possibility to spend less money and regulations must take a lot of Government effort, I think that cancelling
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the low-quality
food
 sales will provide better health for citizens and increase their life duration.
Submitted by tarasovnn on

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task achievement
The essay adequately responds to the task, though the arguments and extent of agreement could be more clearly articulated.
coherence cohesion
Work on organizing ideas more logically by ensuring each paragraph contains one clear main idea and is supported by relevant details.
coherence cohesion
Include a variety of complex sentence structures to demonstrate linguistic range which will enhance the coherence of the writing.
task achievement
Incorporate clear, relevant examples to support your points. Consider current events, historical instances, or hypothetical scenarios.
task achievement
Ensure that both sides of the argument are presented, and then explain your position clearly, supporting it with strong justifications.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Regulations
  • accountability
  • retailers
  • public health
  • consumer choice
  • diet
  • banning
  • health education
  • awareness campaigns
  • economic impact
  • job losses
  • small businesses
  • complexity
  • beneficial
  • harmful
  • quantity consumed
  • individual health conditions
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