IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

You work for a company. You have seen some information online about a training course that would be useful for your work, but it is very expensive. Write a letter to your manager. In your letter • why you would like to attend this course • describe the content of this course and its benefits suggest how him/her could help you

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Dear Edward, I am writing
this
Linking Words
 letter to seek permission to attend the Advanced Digital Marketing course, which is
desgined
Correct your spelling
designed
 to implement precise marketing strategy by data mining in customer performance. It is a five-day intensive program offered by the Fudan Business School and is scheduled to start on Monday 18th of
this
Linking Words
 month.
This
Linking Words
 plan is
most
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
essential for our company because our sales performance has been declining in recent months. I ensure the modules throughout the course are geared to our needs
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since we identified that the root cause mainly lies in the existing customer group. After the training, we should be able to apply the methodologies
accordingly
Linking Words
 in the solution and boost the sales revenue. As the training is full-time, it would be greatly appreciated if you could avail me a five-day paid leave till 22nd of
this
Linking Words
 month, I believe my absence would not affect the normal functioning of the department, as most of my colleagues have agreed not to take leave during these days. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Yours sincerely, Antoine

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
For coherence, ensure that you connect your ideas more smoothly. Try using linking words to establish better flow between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The greeting and closing of your letter are suitable for the context, maintaining the appropriate formality for writing to a manager.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should focus on a single idea; however, be mindful of transitions to maintain cohesion throughout the letter.
task achievement
Be sure to answer all parts of the writing task fully. While you mentioned the course and its benefits, you could have elaborated more on how precisely it aligns with your company's needs and your current role within the company.
task achievement
Your writing tone is formal and respectful which is suitable when addressing a manager about a professional development opportunity.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: