IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

General Training Writing Task 1 Your loval hospital has advertised for people to do unpaid work for helping at the hospital. You would like to do some work at the hospital in your free time. Write a letter to the hospital. In your letter: - Explain why you would like to do unpaid work at the hospital - say what type of unpaid work you would be able to do - give detais of when you would be availble for this work. Write at least 150 words

#people #work #time #type #detais #availble
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Dear Sir or Madam, I am writing
this
Linking Words
 letter because I have seen your advertisement about doing unpaid work in your hospital. I would like to offer myself as an enlistee to serve the ill people and bring a good time for them in my spare time. Regarding
this
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, I had
doing
Change the verb form
done
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same
Correct article usage
the same
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 work before at my sister’s hospital. She took me to her hospital in
summer
Correct article usage
the summer
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 when I was 15 years old and I learned some basic serving to the
patients
Use synonyms
 like
check
Wrong verb form
checking
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 their body temperature and blood pressure.
Moreover
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, some
patients
Use synonyms
give
Wrong verb form
gave
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 me
a
Remove the article
apply
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candy and
souvenir
Fix the agreement mistake
souvenirs
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, they
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
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told me their stories, and I think
its
Correct your spelling
it was
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 enjoyable
that
Correct word choice
and
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 made an amazing memory for me.
Accordingly
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, I can assist a novice act like
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
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 a storyteller,
help
Wrong verb form
helping
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 the
patients
Use synonyms
 move
and
Correct word choice
apply
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bring
Wrong verb form
bringing
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 them meals even
clean
Wrong verb form
cleaning
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 up their bodies. Anyway, I can do the work from 3:00 PM until 7:00 PM in Sunday. I will make my 4 hours to be biggest help for the staffs and
patients
Use synonyms
 in your hospital. I look forward to hearing from you. Yours faithfully, Dodi Darmawan
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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coherence cohesion
The letter would benefit from a clearer structure, including an opening paragraph that introduces the purpose, followed by separate paragraphs for each point required by the task. This will aid in logical progression and coherence.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph presents a single idea or point. This will improve readability and help to maintain a clear focus throughout the letter.
task achievement
Elaborate more on your personal motivation for wanting to do unpaid work, the specific type of work you can do, and provide a more detailed schedule of your availability to fully respond to the task given.
task achievement
A professional tone is appropriate for correspondence with a hospital. Maintain a more formal tone throughout and avoid casual phrases that could detract from the seriousness of the letter.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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