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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Nowadays,
due to
 the improvement
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 technology,
children
 spend many hours on
smartphones
 per day.
This
 phenomenon is followed by loads of advantages and drawbacks.
This
 essay will evaluate why disadvantages are more.
Children
 specially those who
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 born in the
last
 decade, are familiar with technology and smart equipment because in every family there are at least two cell phones and their parents manipulate their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 with that
also
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
get familiarized with
smartphones
 in society
such
 as kindergarten or schools because they have to do their homework on the Internet with smart devices. On the one hand
technology
Replace the word
technological
show examples
 development has many positive impacts on youngsters
for instance
 they can take courses easily from their homes or learn various subjects online freely.
On the other hand
,
smartphones
 have a determinal influence on
children
 and they not only can be harmful but
also
 prevent creativity in them.
For example
, when a child spends many hours on his
cellphone
Correct your spelling
cell phone
show examples
 to do homework or play games his eyes will be weak in the next year or his back or neck will be damaged.
Moreover
, phones encourage
children
 to be inactive and they are not passionate about doing exercise.
Furthermore
, people depend on smart devices and they can not be creative. In Conclusion, technological development like
smartphones
 can be determinal for
children
 so parents and schools can play key roles in managing
children
's spent hours
also
 their awareness about games, apps, social sites
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
etc which their teens visit or use is a momentous point.
Submitted by zahrahosseini1992 on

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task achievement
While your essay addresses the topic, there is room for more depth in your argument. Consider providing clearer and more specific examples to support your points. This will add weight to your discussion of the reasons why children spend hours on their smartphones and the consequences of this habit.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, pay attention to the logical flow of ideas. Your thoughts should progress naturally from one to the next. Transition words can be used more effectively to connect sentences and paragraphs. Also, make sure your introduction and conclusion are more engaging and summarise your main points better.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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