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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

some people believe that studying at university or college is the best rout to a successful career, while other believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is becoming extremely challenging for young
individuals
Use synonyms
 to decide what career they want to choose straight after
school
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.
Consequently
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, some argue that universities and colleges should be necessary to complete
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 so that young
individuals
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 can develop their professional skills and get ready to build a successful life. I strongly agree with
this
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 statement, because schools provide
individuals
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 just with basic knowledge which has to be improved
further
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 through higher institutions. First and foremost, even though schools have a variety of subjects, it is not enough for starting a working career.
This
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 is mainly because professions require specific knowledge of skills which need to be mastered during higher education.
For instance
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, to work as a teacher, in any country, it is crucial to learn how to manage a class with many children, organise lessons and follow a particular
school
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's curriculum.
Hence
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, developing professional abilities before working at
school
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 will help to prevent problems during the teaching process.
Additionally
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, the child who just finished
school
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 is still immature to work in a professional environment, as they have never experienced it before. Universities and colleges provide a great opportunity for students not
to
Rephrase
only to
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 participate in theoretical subjects only,
such
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 as lectures and seminars, but
also
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 to participate in the placement where
individuals
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 can practice their skills getting familiar with an employment space. Take Melbourne University,
for example
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, which collaborates with many local companies to employ students for volunteer jobs. In conclusion, even though some universities need to
be paid
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pay
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 a tuition fee, it is worth doing so as they offer a range of possibilities to expand students' knowledge,
as well as
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 prepare them for a future career.
Hence
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, I strongly believe that higher education is vital for those who want to be successful and confident in a new working environment.

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Task Achievement
Make sure to discuss both views equally and give your opinion. Although you provided a clear opinion, you did not sufficiently discuss the view that getting a job straight after school might be beneficial for some individuals. Balance is key in the discussion.
Task Achievement
Work on providing clear examples that support both views. While you provided a good example supporting the importance of university, examples supporting the benefits of going straight into work were missing.
Task Achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that is elaborated upon. While your paragraphs on the importance of higher education are well developed, you could improve by expanding on why some may choose to work immediately after school, explaining the reasoning and giving examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
Maintain a logical flow throughout your essay. Transition words were used effectively, but remember to link ideas within and between paragraphs to ensure coherence. Adding a paragraph that contrasts with the benefits of higher education could enhance cohesion.
Your introduction and conclusion are present and your essay has a logical structure. To further improve, make sure that your conclusion summarizes both views as well as your own.
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