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Band 4

ome people think that the main factors influencing a child’s development these days are things such as television, friends, and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. Discuss both opinions and give your opinion

#ome #people #factors #child’s #development #television #friends #music
While
 some individuals opine that television, friends, and music significantly influence
kids
' development, others believe that family is still foremost in
this
 case. Personally, I stand more with the latter statement as children mostly spend their time with family. It is somewhat true that
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
 and offspring's circumstances can substantially impact one's personality since in
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
show examples
 modern era,
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
unseparatable
Correct your spelling
inseparable
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
kids
.
Furthermore
,
younger
Add an article
the younger
show examples
 generation
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 still in their stage of life where curiosity is
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the highest level and the willingness
of trying
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to try
show examples
 something new is unbeatable. To illustrate
this
, there
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 news that a 10-year-old student stabbed her nanny just because he saw a thriller movie of a teenager doing so.
This
 is
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
proof that
gadget
 undoubtedly plays a role in children's way of thinking.
However
,
family
Add an article
the family
show examples
still
Add a missing verb
is still
show examples
 in the first rank in creating someone's mindset.
This
mainly
Add a missing verb
is mainly
show examples
 because
family
Add an article
the family
a family
show examples
 has the most control
of
Change preposition
over
show examples
 how
kids
 live their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
,
therefore
 they can filter what kind of friends or technology can their child have.
For instance
, parents can set the television channel
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
kids
Change noun form
kids'
kid's
show examples
network
Fix the agreement mistake
networks
show examples
, set a time limit
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
kids's
Remove the s
kids'
show examples
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
, or far more get them
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
 school so that
kids
 have a better
circumstance
Fix the agreement mistake
circumstances
show examples
. In conclusion,
while
this
 thinking is partially justifiable, in my point of view,
although
 many factors can highly create
kids
's
personality
Fix the agreement mistake
personalities
show examples
, parents still have more power in
this
 situation.
Submitted by munthulbawuk on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that the essay's logical structure is clear by using connecting words and phrases to guide the reader through the argument, improving the flow and cohesion of the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Provide a concise introduction and conclusion that encapsulate your main points effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Develop your main points by providing more elaborate explanations, deeper analysis, and synthesis of ideas to strengthen arguments.
Task Achievement
Respond completely to the task by covering all parts of the prompt thoroughly and ensure that the response directly addresses the question throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
Present ideas comprehensively by delving deeper into the topic and explaining the how and why, not just the what.
Task Achievement
Incorporate relevant and specific examples to support your points, making sure the examples are detailed and directly linked to the main arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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