IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#consequences #care #people #life #expectancy #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The result of improved medical treatment is the fact that
population’s
Correct article usage
the population’s
show examples
 status of life
become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
show examples
 better and longer
due to
Linking Words
 its increased quality. My point of view is that
this
Linking Words
 process of developing medicine has equally advantages and disadvantages.
Firstly
Linking Words
, through health
service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
show examples
 that
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 improved recently people
begun
Add a missing verb
have begun
show examples
 to inhabit their style of life with comfort and quality.
Thus
Linking Words
, the age of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
death has increased from 45 to 90 for men and women.
That is
Linking Words
 a sufficient improvement for human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
, because, as an example, it gives us the ability to create families and to give
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
birth
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 many future generations.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of world’s population has grown and spread very quickly.
Secondly
Linking Words
, these factors have heavy consequences that influence on country’s economy and status of nature.
For instance
Linking Words
,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
high
Add an article
the high
a high
show examples
 rising
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
population
Fix the agreement mistake
populations
show examples
 has raised
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
quantity
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of consumers that require
large
Change the article
a large
show examples
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of resources. Their irrational utilization leads to serious climate changes, cataclysms, disappearance of species and illnesses. Another negative impact is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 spread of poverty and starvation. In some poor and underdeveloped
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon is common like in India, Africa and Moldova, where people exist beyond the line of poorness. Eventually, medicine has influenced and evolved all fields of human activity, extending our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and giving us a chance to make out with sense and utility.
Submitted by acaitaz on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction
Provide a clear introduction to the topic that includes your thesis statement, outlining the advantages and disadvantages you will discuss.
paragraph structure
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that subsequent sentences support that main idea.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical flow of your essay by using a wider variety of linking words and transition phrases.
conclusion
In the conclusion, explicitly state whether you believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, providing a summary of the points made.
task response
Make sure to respond fully to the task by specifically addressing whether you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, and justify your opinion.
examples evidence
Support your main points with relevant and specific examples or evidence to strengthen your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • elderly population
  • health care systems
  • pension funds
  • extended family relationships
  • quality of life
  • aging population
  • economic growth
  • volunteer work
  • expertise
  • financial planning
  • retirement
  • age-related diseases
  • medical research
  • healthier lifestyles
What to do next:
Look at other essays: