IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that reading books are better than watching TV or playing computer games for children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #books #tv #computer #games #children
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Nowadays,
children
 tend to spend a great amount of
time
 watching television or playing
video
games
. Some individuals believe that reading
books
 is much better for them. Personally, I totally agree with
this
 view, since
this
 activity helps
children
 with their cognitive development, language
skills
, imagination, creativity and social
skills
. On the one hand, in today's world, youngsters are becoming addicted to TV and
video
games
. In fact, most of them spend way too much
time
 on their mobile devices.
As a consequence
, they could develop health problems,
such
 as sight problems which are often related to excessive screen
time
.
Moreover
,
children
 who spend too much
time
 on technological devices could have fewer social
skills
 than the ones who read. Indeed, those activities are often related to social isolation.
On the other hand
, reading
books
 brings many advantages to
children
.
To begin
 with, it helps their cognitive development. In fact, it helps enhance their cognitive
skills
 and improves focus and concentration,
while
 watching TV or playing
video
games
 offers less mental stimulation.
Furthermore
, it helps with language
skills
.
For example
, by reading
books
,
children
 can expand their vocabulary and improve their grammar.
Besides
, it helps with their creativity and imagination because
books
 allow for imaginative thinking.
Also
, reading can improve social
skills
 by exploring different characters and various stories.
To conclude
, I firmly believe that
children
 should read more
books
 because it has many advantages for them, rather than spending all their free
time
 watching television or playing
video
games
.
Submitted by chi63hi on

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task achievement
Make sure to provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, mention specific studies or experts that support your points.
coherence cohesion
Tighten up the linkage between paragraphs to improve the overall flow. Although the essay is cohesive, some transitions could be smoother. You might consider using transitional phrases more consistently between points.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly states your position, and your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points. This makes your essay easy to follow.
task achievement
The arguments you present are relevant and well-explained, showing a clear understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay is coherently structured with clear paragraphs that each present distinct points. This logical structure aids in understanding your arguments.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • focus and concentration
  • mental stimulation
  • expand vocabulary
  • improve grammar
  • imaginative thinking
  • creativity
  • passive consumption
  • empathy
  • social isolation
  • eye strain
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen usage
  • language learning
  • health impacts
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