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Band 7

Some say that the most important thing about being rich is that one has the opportunityto help others. To what extend do you agree or disagree

#say #opportunityto
Some
people
 believe that one of the prominent benefits of being affluent is that they can think of others. I, personally agree with the notion that rich
people
 can play a crucial role in uplifting the condition of poor
people
 because of mainly two main reasons;
firstly
, they are capable of doing various charitable works.
Secondly
, they can create employment opportunities for
people
. To commence with, Rich
people
 can help privileged
people
 by carrying out various charity works
such
 as donating to NGOs and orphanages. They
also
 can initiate the helping hands by providing food, medical assistance, education and shelter for those who are deprived of it. Since
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 rich
people
 have immense money, they can allocate a certain portion of their income to help
people
 who are in need. There are so many wealthy
people
 in the world who are contributing to enhancing the living standard of the
people
.
For example
: Ratan Tada, the director of Tada Group donates 99% of his total revenue to the well-being of deprived
people
. He
also
 operates two NGOs.
In addition
,
people
 who are living on welfare have the ability to run any kind of business.
Therefore
, by establishing a company,they can help the poor to get a job.
Consequently
, it will help them to improve their
overall
 lifestyle.
Moreover
, they can share their experiences with the youngsters, which can motivate them to work harder and achieve the same level of success.
To sum up
, having a sufficient amount of money can give
people
 the confidence to work for others.
However
, I don't think that it is necessary to have money in order to help
people
. Anyone willing to help others can help irrespective of financial status.
Submitted by promishtumrok654 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures to enhance cohesion and reduce repetition. Using a mix of complex sentences, compound sentences, and simple sentences can make your writing more engaging.
Coherence & Cohesion
Introduce each main point in a new paragraph with a clear topic sentence. Make sure to support your points with specific details, following them with explanations or examples.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on developing a stronger conclusion that summarizes your main points and restates your opinion. A well-rounded conclusion can enhance the overall structure of your essay.
Task Achievement
Address the prompt fully. Be sure to express your own opinion clearly and support it throughout the essay. Stay on topic and make sure each point is relevant to the task question.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more specific and varied examples to support your ideas. While one example is provided, using a range of examples could strengthen your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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