IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Many students now work whilst they are studying in college or university. This often results in them having less time to concentrate on their as well as feeling under pressure. what are some of the causes of this? what solutions could you suggest?

#students #work #whilst #college #university #results #time #pressure
The vast majority of adolescents, especially in the Western region, have part-
time
 jobs as it is an effective measure to earn money without having to fully commit to a particular job.
However
, many pupils are struggling with
time
 management,
while
 others are suffering from excessive stress.
This
 essay will discuss the culprits behind
this
 phenomenon, which are the lack of resting
time
as well as
 the work-academic imbalance and the correct measures to overcome them. The enabling factors of the part-
time
 working students who suffer from overstress may vary.
Firstly
, part-
time
 jobs usually occupy the student's leisure
time
, which leads to less leisure
time
.
Consequently
, after they come home from work, they will be less likely to do the assignments given by their lecturers as their bodies are already unenergized,
hence
 why they can barely focus on their tasks.
Furthermore
, it leads to the second cause, which is overstressed because they bear too many responsibilities both from their workplaces and universities. If
this
 continues to happen for a long period of
time
, it will cause bigger mental problems, namely depression, which can
also
 manifest in worsened physical wellness.
Nonetheless
, part-
time
 employment can be done without these underlying issues if one keeps good
time
 management to allocate working and school
time
 in the right portions. Other than that,
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
well-established coping stress is pivotal to shun away the mental and physical problems, which are caused by the overburdened and piled up pressures from both jobs and
university related
Add a hyphen
university-related
show examples
 stuff. In conclusion, part-
time
 vacancies have to be enjoyable for teenagers as long as they can avoid the downsides,
such
 as a lack of rest
time
 and overpressure.
Finally
, the methods to achieve them are to set up neat
time
arrangement
Fix the agreement mistake
arrangements
show examples
and prepare a reliable coping mechanism.
Submitted by pink panther on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide a clearer introduction that directly addresses the causes and solutions to the issue of students working while studying in college or university.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that the ideas flow logically from one paragraph to the next. Be more explicit in connecting your points.
task achievement
Use concrete examples to support your main points. This will strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: