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Writing Samples
Band 4

The diagram illustrates how bees produce honey

The diagram illustrates how bees produce honey
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The diagram provides the steps of how
bees
Use synonyms
 produce
honey
Use synonyms
 with images and numbers, making the illustration easy to read and analyze.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the
bees
Use synonyms
 are gathered in their
hive
Use synonyms
, which is a container where
bees
Use synonyms
 live.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the insects will fly around to search for flowers, aiming for the
nectar
Use synonyms
.
Nectar
Use synonyms
 is a sweet liquid that produced by the flowers.
Thirdly
Linking Words
, the
bees
Use synonyms
 will collect the
nectar
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 they will bring it to their
hive
Use synonyms
, specifically
put
Wrong verb form
putting
show examples
 the
nectar
Use synonyms
 on the cells
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their home.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the
bees
Use synonyms
 will perform a movement on the
hive
Use synonyms
, resulting
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 liquid
to evaporate
Change the verb form
evaporating
show examples
, changing it to the gas as the water evaporation begins.
Finally
Linking Words
,
honey
Use synonyms
 is produced from the
hive
Use synonyms
, as the circle will
remains
Change the verb form
remain
show examples
 the same over and over again. In conclusion,
honey
Use synonyms
 production
require
Change the verb form
requires
show examples
 lots of effort from the
bees
Use synonyms
. They have to find flowers to take nectars from them and organize
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
hive
Use synonyms
, conduct a movement first to start the water evaporation,
hence
Linking Words
 producing the
honey
Use synonyms
.

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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 80%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words bees, honey, hive, nectar with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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