IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The arts, including art, music and theatre are considered to be important in society. Do you think the arts still have a place amongst our modern lifestyles? Should the arts be included in the school curriculum?

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Introduction
Extracurricular activity plays an important part in our environment today.
However
Linking Words
, I believe creativity still holds a vital role in our current society and should be included in our education syllabus.
Body paragraph 1
Craft work
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Craftwork
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 has been pivotal in our
life's
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lives
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 since
decade
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a decade
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 ago and
still
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is still
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 present with
it
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its
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 continuity as
Use synonyms
source
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a source
the source
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 of income
to
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for
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majority
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the majority
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 of artists. To elucidate
further
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, crafts
has
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have
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 always been a
source
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 of beautification which is valued and desperate to
owned
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be owned
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 by the community.
As a result
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, many people used the opportunity
by selling
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to sell
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 them to generate income.
For instance
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, my uncle who is creative with drawings resorted to selling his craft as a
source
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 of revenue and
currently
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currently,
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 he is a
top notch
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top-notch
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 millionaire in his
residing
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apply
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country.
Therefore
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, artist lacks financial instability
due to
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 their creativity in artwork.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
fine-art
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fine art
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 is unarguably important in
children
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children's
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 curriculum as it keeps them busy from being rebellious during their breaks.
In other words
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, kids tend to have free
period
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periods
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 after the day's school activities which can lead to malicious behavior.
Consequently
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, art can be used to occupy their
free-time
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free time
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.
For example
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, my aunty keeps her kids from being mischievous whenever they are free, by presenting materials to them for drawing and sketching with the aim of keeping them engaged.
Hence
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, the implementation of art in studies has overcome naughty
behaviors
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behaviours
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' during free time.
Conclusion
In conclusion, art, music and theatre
has
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have
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 played remarkable
role
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roles
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 in our society, with arts being a pivotal role as it being used as a
source
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 of income,
as well as
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 in overcoming bad
attitude
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attitudes
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 during
free-time
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free time
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 among school children when implemented in their syllabus.

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Introduction & Conclusion
While your essay addresses the topic, it could benefit from a clearer introduction, stating your main argument and outline of the essay. The conclusion should also clearly summarize your points.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the flow of information and ideas. This can include linking phrases, synonyms and pronouns to avoid repetition.
Supported Main Points
Ensure that each paragraph contains one clear main idea, and dedicate development sentences to explaining or providing evidence for this idea. Avoid introducing new points without thorough explanation.
Relevant Specific Examples
While specific examples are given, try to ensure they are relevant and effectively illustrate your arguments. Examples can be more compelling with succinct detail and clear links to the topic.
Task Achievement
Make sure to address all parts of the task with comprehensive ideas. Each idea should be fully explored and explained in relation to the question.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Aesthetics
  • Cultural heritage
  • Empathy
  • Creativity
  • Expression
  • Innovation
  • Intellectual stimulation
  • Empathy
  • Fine motor skills
  • Well-rounded education
  • Accessibility
  • Preservation
  • Screen-centered
  • Storytelling
  • Balance
  • Artistic mediums
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