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Writing Samples
Band 5

It is often said that it is not necessary to have a tertiary education to become a successful businessman. To what extent to you agree or disagree with this statement?

#education #businessman
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Nowadays, there are opinions and sayings among a number of
people
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 that it is complex to become a successful entrepreneur without graduating
a
Change preposition
from a
show examples
tertiary
education
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. It is possible to be
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
business
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 owner without higher
education
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. One of the factors in becoming a powerful top
business
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 holder is
study
Wrong verb form
studying
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 at
university
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 or learning from experts in the field.
At the
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The
show examples
university
Use synonyms
have
Wrong verb form
having
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 masters
of
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in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 field teach and
Use synonyms
university
Correct article usage
a university
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education
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 is planned before
to start
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starting
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 will
be provides
Change the verb form
provide
show examples
 orderly learning and help to study
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business’s
Change noun form
business
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 secrets step by step
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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future
business
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 owners.
For instance
Linking Words
,
education
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 after high school
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
learned
Verb problem
taught
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skills
Correct pronoun usage
me skills
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 like
,
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apply
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 management,
marketing
Correct word choice
and marketing
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. That's why, many
people
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 believe got
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degree
Correct article usage
a degree
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instead
Linking Words
 of
have
Wrong verb form
having
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 not
degree
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.
And another
Correct word choice
Another
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 option of study at
university
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 is working or access to communication with
team
Correct article usage
a team
show examples
.
That is
Linking Words
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
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 to
learning
Wrong verb form
learn
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 network skills with others.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, a plethora of
people
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 group
believe
Change the verb form
believes
show examples
 that it is achievable to develop their own brands without obtaining a higher
education
Use synonyms
degree
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. They are saying that not necessarily
not
Rephrase
apply
show examples
get a
degree
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 to start
Use synonyms
business
Add an article
a business
show examples
, because
this
Linking Words
 field focuses more on practice. One of the best options to learn
business
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 is to be
expert's
Correct article usage
an expert's
show examples
 apprenticeship.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, with
support
Correct article usage
the support
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 of technology, being successful in
Use synonyms
business
Add an article
a business
show examples
 career is easier than
previous
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in previous
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 years. To exemplify, twenty years ago,
people
Use synonyms
 could make an advertisement only on TV or radio but now social media gives them a great opportunity to flourish
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their personal area.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
currently
Add a comma
currently,
show examples
 both of the two types of businessmen are equal. In a nutshell, higher
education
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 can definitely teach some
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
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 of
business
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 strategies for someone, but
this
Linking Words
 never
become
Change the verb form
becomes
show examples
 the only pathway to success. Learning new skills is important to continue as a successful
entrepreneurship
Replace the word
entrepreneur
show examples
.
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

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task achievement
Ensure your essay has a clear opinion throughout and restates this opinion in the conclusion for a stronger task response.
coherence cohesion
Try to maintain a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph and follow it with supporting sentences that relate directly to the initial claim.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of cohesive devices and transition words to better link your ideas and paragraphs for improved coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Refine your grammar and sentence structure to enhance clarity and make your argument more persuasive.
task achievement
Develop your paragraphs with clear and concise ideas that are directly relevant to the task, and elaborate on these with examples or further explanation.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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