IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Few people believe that health is a person's own responsibility while some others believe that governments are the ones who need to be held accountable for the public's balanced diet. This essay is going to explore more about the two statements.

#people #health #person #responsibility #governments #ones #diet #two #statements
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Few
people
 believe that good physical condition is a person's own responsibility
while
 some others believe that governments are the ones who need to be held accountable for the public's balanced diet.
This
 essay is going to explore more about the two statements. On the one hand, many
people
 argue that governments indeed have their own roles in ensuring that citizens can live healthily because
health
 is a basic human right.
This
 is usually managed by the Ministry of
Health
 by making guidelines about
people
’s eating behaviours
while
 following the World
Health
 Organization's international policies.
For instance
, the Ministry of
Health
 in Indonesia has made several recommendations about how many fibres, carbohydrates, proteins, sodium, water, and other sources of nutrients each person should consume daily. They
also
 have educated the public to make sure they know about these suggestions so they can follow them in order to keep their physical state.
On the other hand
, lack of motivation has proven to be the stem of many illnesses.
This
 is why some groups of
people
 think that well-being is a person’s own duty. Many
people
 find it hard to control their eating habits and they
also
 do not have the need to change that.
Consequently
, they consume all these unhealthy and ultra-processed foods that are extremely high in calories and harmful to the body.
For example
, recent research conducted by the University of Indonesia about their students' consumption has shown that around 76% of them do not consume enough fibre and consume refined sugar excessively every day.
To conclude
, both views provide reasonable reasons. In order to maintain physical fitness, a person is the one who needs to live well
while
 governments can influence it through policies and recommendations.
Submitted by elissa223 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure a clear thesis statement is present in the introduction to set a strong foundation for the essay.
task response
Aim for more varied and nuanced supporting detail to enrich main points and strengthen the argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use more cohesive devices to seamlessly link ideas and paragraphs for better flow.
coherence and cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of sentence structures to enhance the readability of the essay.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: