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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Few people believe that health is a person's own responsibility while some others believe that governments are the ones who need to be held accountable for the public's balanced diet. This essay is going to explore more about the two statements.

#people #health #person #responsibility #governments #ones #diet #two #statements
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Few
people
Use synonyms
 believe that good physical condition is a person's own responsibility
while
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 some others believe that governments are the ones who need to be held accountable for the public's balanced diet.
This
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 essay is going to explore more about the two statements. On the one hand, many
people
Use synonyms
 argue that governments indeed have their own roles in ensuring that citizens can live healthily because
health
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 is a basic human right.
This
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 is usually managed by the Ministry of
Health
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 by making guidelines about
people
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’s eating behaviours
while
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 following the World
Health
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 Organization's international policies.
For instance
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, the Ministry of
Health
Use synonyms
 in Indonesia has made several recommendations about how many fibres, carbohydrates, proteins, sodium, water, and other sources of nutrients each person should consume daily. They
also
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 have educated the public to make sure they know about these suggestions so they can follow them in order to keep their physical state.
On the other hand
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, lack of motivation has proven to be the stem of many illnesses.
This
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 is why some groups of
people
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 think that well-being is a person’s own duty. Many
people
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 find it hard to control their eating habits and they
also
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 do not have the need to change that.
Consequently
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, they consume all these unhealthy and ultra-processed foods that are extremely high in calories and harmful to the body.
For example
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, recent research conducted by the University of Indonesia about their students' consumption has shown that around 76% of them do not consume enough fibre and consume refined sugar excessively every day.
To conclude
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, both views provide reasonable reasons. In order to maintain physical fitness, a person is the one who needs to live well
while
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 governments can influence it through policies and recommendations.
Submitted by elissa223 on

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task response
Ensure a clear thesis statement is present in the introduction to set a strong foundation for the essay.
task response
Aim for more varied and nuanced supporting detail to enrich main points and strengthen the argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use more cohesive devices to seamlessly link ideas and paragraphs for better flow.
coherence and cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of sentence structures to enhance the readability of the essay.
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