The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

To a certain extent, I agree that physical education is needed in schools in order to educate
students
.
However
, I disagree with the view of obese
people
pointing to the
health
care system to solve
health
problems.
To begin
with, healthcare facilities will not be useful if
people
do not want to protect their own
health
. Overweight
people
require more attention to what they eat since hospitals can not always help their issues if it is not from their heart.
For example
, a recent study showed that more than 20% of obese in a community who have many complaints about the systems are the ones who cannot pay attention to their bodies and meals.
Besides
this
, there is a view about how to tackle
this
problem, and the solution is to introduce sports education to
students
in the school curriculum. I agree with
this
opinion since pupils need to be taught from a young age so they will be aware to maintain their
health
. With the new lesson of
this
, it is hoped that they would be more diligent to do sports.
Furthermore
, to solve
this
issue,
students
tend to easily listen to older
people
when it's about advice.
For instance
, researchers revealed that there was a test in a middle school to educate them to exercise more. The result was they began to like it, and the more interesting was they could maintain their own weight. In conclusion, in my opinion, hospitals are not always the issue in terms of solving problems from overweight
people
.
However
, personally, I agree to give
students
education about exercising.
Submitted by ieltswriting91 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic, but it could benefit from a more precise and comprehensive thesis statement that outlines your main points.
coherence cohesion
Work on the clarity of your introduction and conclusion. Make sure your introduction presents the argument and your conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay into clear paragraphs with distinct topic sentences that reflect the central idea of each paragraph.
task achievement
Pay attention to the prompt requirement about the extent of your agreement or disagreement. Your essay should explicitly address this and provide a balanced discussion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity rates
  • health care system
  • physical education
  • instill
  • long term
  • raise awareness
  • healthier lifestyle choices
  • nutritional education
  • active transport
  • quality of instruction
  • facilities and equipment
  • diet control initiatives
  • community sports programs
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