The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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To a certain extent, I agree that physical education is needed in schools in order to educate

students

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However

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, I disagree with the view of obese

people

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pointing to the

health

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care system to solve

health

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problems.

To begin

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with, healthcare facilities will not be useful if

people

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do not want to protect their own

health

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. Overweight

people

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require more attention to what they eat since hospitals can not always help their issues if it is not from their heart.

For example

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, a recent study showed that more than 20% of obese in a community who have many complaints about the systems are the ones who cannot pay attention to their bodies and meals.

Besides

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this

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, there is a view about how to tackle

this

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problem, and the solution is to introduce sports education to

students

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in the school curriculum. I agree with

this

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opinion since pupils need to be taught from a young age so they will be aware to maintain their

health

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. With the new lesson of

this

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, it is hoped that they would be more diligent to do sports.

Furthermore

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, to solve

this

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issue,

students

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tend to easily listen to older

people

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when it's about advice.

For instance

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, researchers revealed that there was a test in a middle school to educate them to exercise more. The result was they began to like it, and the more interesting was they could maintain their own weight. In conclusion, in my opinion, hospitals are not always the issue in terms of solving problems from overweight

people

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However

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, personally, I agree to give

students

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education about exercising.

ieltswriting91Sat Jan 20 2024

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task achievement

Your essay addresses the topic, but it could benefit from a more precise and comprehensive thesis statement that outlines your main points.

coherence cohesion

Work on the clarity of your introduction and conclusion. Make sure your introduction presents the argument and your conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint.

coherence cohesion

Support your main points with more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your arguments.

coherence cohesion

Organize your essay into clear paragraphs with distinct topic sentences that reflect the central idea of each paragraph.

task achievement

Pay attention to the prompt requirement about the extent of your agreement or disagreement. Your essay should explicitly address this and provide a balanced discussion.

7
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 8.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 9.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

266 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

obesity rates
health care system
physical education
instill
long term
raise awareness
healthier lifestyle choices
nutritional education
active transport
quality of instruction
facilities and equipment
diet control initiatives
community sports programs

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