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Band 7

In many countries, student's concentration in the classroom has decreased. What are some possible solutions?

#countries #student #concentration #classroom
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Research from many parts of the world has shown that student’s capability to
focus
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 has significantly dropped. The possible causes behind
this
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 issue will be discussed in the following paragraph
along with
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 the finest solution.
Firstly
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, the primary reason is consuming short-term video as a form of entertainment which has been popular in the
last
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 5 years.
This
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 habit will reduce children's concentration in the long term. Short-term videos only require a short amount of
focus
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.
According to
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 BBC News, 80% of kids in Indonesia who consume
this
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 as their main entertainment media, aren’t trained to
focus
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 over a long period of time.
Secondly
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, it is mainly supported by the method of the
parents
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 to amuse their misbehaved kids by giving electronic gadgets to them.
Moreover
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,
this
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 method might detriment their brain and even worse, they will be addicted to the gadgets.
However
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,
this
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 issue could be tackled by the role of their
parents
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. The advancement of technology might be beneficial to society and might
also
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 be a danger for them if they do not use it properly. In
this
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 case,
parents
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 should limit the use of cell phones for their kids to prevent them from addiction to phones. Another way is by taking them to the park daily as children are very stimulated by the environment, they could learn to
focus
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 on their surroundings in a healthy amount of time. In conclusion, the decrease in
focus
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 on children is mainly caused by technology,
however
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,
this
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 bad habit can be solved by the role of
parents
Use synonyms
 to restrict the use of phones excessively.
Submitted by desyaf99 on

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Task Achievement
Make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea that is expanded upon with explanations, evidence, and examples. Providing more specific, real-world examples, instead of just statistics, can also strengthen your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Increase complexity in your sentence structure and use a range of linking words to better connect ideas together. Additionally, ensure that paragraphs flow smoothly with each other and clearly relate back to the thesis statement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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