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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

some parents emphasize on competitiveness in teaching their children. while others focus on cooperativeness as a key to success. discuss both views and give your own opinion!

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Parents
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 want their
children
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 to achieve more than they could. They emphasize their
children
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 to be competitive.
Parents
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 think that they can make their
children
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 better than anyone. On the other side, others focus on their communication skills to be better cooperative with
people
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. Both views will be discussed below. There some
parents
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 are strict with their
children
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. They built a competitive attitude to their
children
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 to always be number 1. If their
children
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 achieve what their
parents
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 want, their
parents
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 can buy anything that's
children
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 want.
This
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 perspective will be good because
children
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 feel pushed if they think they can have anything they want, so they will make an effort to become number 1. They believe that
children
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 who are taught to compete will be better prepared for the demands of the real world. To illustrate
this
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, in a job life, we have to be more competitive to get a better career achievement.
Moreover
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, competition helps to improve self-confidence.
This
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 can
also
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 lead to higher levels of motivation and effort in achieving goals.
On the other hand
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, some
children
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 feel depressed if anyone pushes them too much.
For instance
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, many
children
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 are self-harmed because there's a lot of pressure around them.
Besides
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 that,others may focus on cooperativeness with
people
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. They assume cooperativeness is the key to reaching their achievements. Humans are created to be social
people
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. Connecting the brain cells from many viewpoints is more useful because they will be able to work effectively in teams.
However
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, sharing with
people
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 who have plenty of thoughts will raise arguments.
This
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 will be a challenge. If the focus is on cooperativeness. In conclusion,
parents
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 that set a big standard for their
children
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, sometimes will succeed and sometimes not. For me, I choose to be a cooperative child because it can make us more open-minded than before.

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Task Achievement
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that you expand on each idea with detailed examples or explanations. Avoid generalizations without supporting evidence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that you have a clear introduction and conclusion that summarize the main points made within the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use connecting words and phrases to link ideas, paragraphs, and arguments within the essay for better flow. Include transition phrases that reflect a logical structure of the argument and guide the reader through your points.
Task Achievement
When discussing both views, ensure you give equal weight to each perspective, and then clearly state your own opinion in a separate paragraph before the conclusion.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. Rather than simply stating that something could lead to an outcome, show it through anecdotes, statistics, or citing authoritative sources.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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