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Band 2.5

The charts detail the proportion of Australian secondary school graduates who were unemployed, employed or further education in 1980, 1990, and 2000.

#detail #proportion #australian #school #graduates #education
The diagrams illustrate the percentage of students that
finish
Wrong verb form
finished
show examples
study
Add an article
the study
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 in secondary school who got a job, are unemployed and
continue
Wrong verb form
continued
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 learning in three time periods, 1980, 1990, 2000.
Overall
,
it is clear that
 graduates in 1980 accounted for the highest number of higher education. The number of students
got
Correct pronoun usage
who got
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 a job slightly increased each year.
According to
 the data, continued
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
study was the main trend in 1980 with half of the total number. Big gap compared with 38
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 1980 and 37
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2000.
then
 dropped to 38
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in the next 10 years . What’s more, those who got a job were two-fifths
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and grew gradually to 50
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 and 55
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 respectively in 1980 and 2000. As regards remaining data, pupils who were jobless made up
for
Change preposition
apply
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8
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2000, which was lower than the same figure in 1980. Graduates out of work occupied 10
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 and increased a mere 2
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in the year 1980
then
 witnessed a reduction in 2000 and stayed at 8
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
Submitted by nguyetcat.dao on

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task achievement
You provided an overview but did not include an effective summary of the main trends, differences, or stages. Also, a conclusion summarizing the main points is missing, which is necessary for a higher band. To improve, ensure you clearly summarize the data and provide a distinct conclusion based on the information provided in the charts.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay needs improvement. Some sentences are disjointed, and there is noticeable repetition regarding the percentages without clear progression from one idea to the next. Use transitional phrases to improve the flow and clearly connect paragraphs and sentences. Also, try to vary your sentence structure to maintain the reader's interest.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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