IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Somepeop le say an aging population creates problems for governments. Other peopl e think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent d o the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantage s? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#countries #people #somepeop #population #governments #peopl #e #society
In today's modern era, lifespan has increased significantly, which has led to certain issues.
Although
such
 a transition may prove to be a mixed blessing, I believe it can create more problems than it solves. To achieve a clear picture;
this
 matter requires
further
 examination on a broader canvas. It might be emotionally and morally beneficial to have a community full of old individuals, but it can be problematic in terms of economy and
workforces
Fix the agreement mistake
workforce
show examples
.
Evervone
Correct your spelling
Everyone
 likes to have the gift of seeing their dears more, and the old, clearly, like
this
 too, but
this
 matter cannot benefit
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. Sweden is a shining example, where most of the population
is consisted
Change to the active voice
consists
has consisted
show examples
 of the elderly and they do not even have enough young reinforcements for their army. Recently countries suffering from the same problem created new immigration programs to attract
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngsters from other countries
join
Fix the infinitive
to join
show examples
 theirs. Many people think that it is not moral and ethical to talk about problems of increasing
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
life expectancy. The truth is,
growth
Correct word choice
that growth
show examples
 in
average
Add an article
the average
show examples
 age of a
country
 could bring about several medical issues for that
country
.
Moreover
, many new and unknown diseases would, inevitably, spread out throughout the
country
 by the old.
Furthermore
,
such
country
Correct article usage
a country
show examples
 needs suitable infrastructure in order to cure the
elderlies
Replace the word
elderly
show examples
, which is both demanding and costly. In conclusion, despite all the apparent greatness that a
country
 with many elderly people might have, it would be in all our interests to
hace
Correct your spelling
have
 a society full of youngsters, and it seems to me that the drawbacks of longevity
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 much more than it appears.
Submitted by alifarzaneh on

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task achievement
Make sure that your essay stays on topic and addresses the prompt throughout. Your introduction sets the stage well, but be sure to discuss both the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population as the question requires, not only the disadvantages.
task achievement
Your main points should be more developed with clear topic sentences and explanations that relate back to the question. Consider balancing both sides of the argument as the prompt suggests weighing advantages against disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, work on creating smoother transitions between points and ideas, and ensure each paragraph flows logically to the next. Use cohesive devices effectively to link ideas and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Utilize a wider range of sentence structures to create a more sophisticated argument. Aim for complex sentences that show clear relationships between ideas.
task achievement
Although you have included an example relating to Sweden, try to incorporate more specific, relevant examples to support your argument. Make sure that examples are clearly linked to your main points and illustrate the issues or benefits discussed.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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