Many university graduates connot find a job in their chosen profession. What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, should be done about it? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
More and more people find it difficult to get a job
what
they want after graduating a university. There are several factors that explain Correct word choice
that
this
phenomenon. This
essay will examine some reasons why it is hard to find a job and suggest possible solutions about
it.
First of all, corporates that provide good employment conditions Change preposition
to
such
as a high salary, a
wide range of perks are not as many as we expect, so the competition to enter them is becoming more challenging. Correct word choice
and a
For example
, nearly half of the companies in Korea do not offer moderate salary
compared to Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
cost
of living, Add an article
the cost
therefore
many college graduates do not prefer to apply to them. I think the government should take actions
to improve the working conditions of organisations by providing subsidies or delivering Fix the agreement mistake
action
campaign
.
Fix the agreement mistake
campaigns
Secondly
, the perception in our society that counts
white-collar Verb problem
apply
jobs
more than blue-collar jobs
has influenced the job preference of university graduates. Therefore
the skyrocketed demand of
certain Change preposition
for
jobs
makes it more difficult to start their careers where they want. For example
, currently
the number of people who are willing to become a civil servant extremely has increased in Korea, so just one candidate out of 200 can be hired. I deem that education can help to alleviate Add a comma
currently,
this
problem, strenthening
vocational education for children to have Correct your spelling
strengthening
balanced
view of all professions.
Correct article usage
a balanced
To sum up
, although
these are the only factors, but
business and social aspects resulted in the issues in the employment market. I proposed that the appropriate government measure to boost the Correct word choice
apply
overall
working conditions and the educational effort to make with less discriminate
society on Replace the word
discriminatory
jobs
are required.Submitted by ywb516 on
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Coherence & Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: Although the essay has a basic logical structure, the ideas could be more clearly linked and paragraphs more appropriately organized to ensure smooth progression. Transition words and phrases should be used more effectively to guide the reader from one point to the next. Ensure that the introduction and conclusion encapsulate the main ideas of the essay more clearly and distinctly.
Task Achievement
For task achievement: The response addresses the task only partially. It would benefit from a more in-depth exploration of the causes and proposed solutions, and the inclusion of more specific, relevant examples to support the points made. The essay should aim to fully satisfy the requirements of the task, with a clear position that is relevant throughout.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?
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