IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

#people #children #phones #school
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Several people say that during the
school
Use synonyms
 day should be teenagers forbidden to use their gadgets
whereas
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others
assure
Verb problem
say
show examples
 that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 should be permissible using their
phones
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I am going to discuss both sides of the argument,
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
I support the first opinion that kids are banned
to utilize
Change preposition
from utilizing
show examples
 their
phones
Use synonyms
. On the
first
Correct word choice
other
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 hand, I would argue that
children
Use synonyms
 should not use their
phones
Use synonyms
 during the
school
Use synonyms
 day. If the
students
Use synonyms
 bring their gadgets to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 matter will bother their learning activities because they are going to prefer using their
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 for playing games than for studying.
For instance
Linking Words
, presently, many assorted games
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are
easy
Change the word
easily
show examples
 downloaded on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
phones
Use synonyms
, and
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 easy to
be accessed
Wrong verb form
access
show examples
 so that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 will be more attracted
playing
Change preposition
to playing
show examples
 games on their gadgets than studying.
Additionally
Linking Words
, teenagers are going to be less
focus
Replace the word
focused
show examples
to study
Change preposition
on studying
show examples
, and it is able to decrease their value of subjects at
school
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some people allow
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
using
Change the verb form
to use
show examples
 their
phones
Use synonyms
. Perhaps they feel that the
students
Use synonyms
 will be assisted if they bring their
phones
Use synonyms
 to the
school
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
making
Verb problem
help
show examples
 the
children
Use synonyms
 easy to find
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
information and increase their knowledge.
For example
Linking Words
, if the
students
Use synonyms
 do an assignment, and they feel difficulties, they are going to find on the internet an explanation of their duty.
To conclude
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, after weighing up both sides of the argument, I prefer that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 should be prohibited
to use
Change preposition
from using
show examples
 their
phones
Use synonyms
 at
school
Use synonyms
 because
this
Linking Words
 is able to interrupt
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
consentration
Correct your spelling
concentration
 and their focus on studying.
Submitted by fifi on

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coherence cohesion
Be mindful of structure and transitions within paragraphs. Enhance the logical flow of ideas by using a wider range of linking words and phrases.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear introduction and conclusion, stating your opinion explicitly in both sections for emphasis and clarity.
coherence cohesion
Support main points with more detailed and relevant examples or evidence. Vague statements do not provide a strong argument.
task achievement
Make certain that you respond completely to all parts of the task. Consider the implications and counter-arguments for a more comprehensive response.
task achievement
Strive for clarity in presenting your ideas. Each paragraph should have one clear main idea, and all subsequent sentences should elaborate on that idea.
task achievement
Use specific and detailed examples to substantiate your points. Avoid generalizations that do not add depth to your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Distraction
  • Cyberbullying
  • Concentration
  • Emergency communication
  • Digital literacy
  • Educational resources
  • Social development
  • Self-regulation
  • Enforcement
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Technology access
  • Learning apps
  • Screen time
  • Peer interaction
  • School policy
What to do next:
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