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Writing Samples /
Band 6

The pie chart below show the online shopping sales for retail sector in new Zealand in 2003 and 2013.

The pie chart below show the online shopping sales for retail sector in new Zealand in 2003 and 2013.
#show #sales #sector #zealand
The pie chart describes online shopping
sales
 for
retail
Add an article
the retail
show examples
 sector in New Zealand circa 2003-2013. There are two pie charts, one
represent
Correct subject-verb agreement
represents
show examples
 percentages in 2003,
one
Correct word choice
and one
show examples
 shows the rates for
year
Change the article
the year
show examples
 2013. From a quick see-through of the charts, it can be seen that there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 an increase and decrease in the numbers of the types of retail sector between the
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
 2003 and 2013.
Firstly
, the clothes business has the most significant difference in its
sales
, it has
8
Correct article usage
an 8
show examples
% range from the
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
 2003 and 2013, indicating that the business may slightly
dropped
Change the verb form
drop
be dropped
show examples
. Another instance of a retail with a downfall is the travel retail. In 2003, travel
has
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 percentage of 36, and in 2013 it
decreases
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
 to 29%.
Nonetheless
, the two other retails, books and film or music, have a rise
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their number of
sales
. To simplify,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
books
Fix the agreement mistake
book
show examples
 retail has expanded
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 business
in
Change preposition
by
show examples
 3%, and film or music
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 12%.
Subsequently
, the
increasion
Correct your spelling
increase
 of percentages may show that entertainment in technology has a great growth in New Zealand. In conclusion, there are an up and down in the
sales
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 types of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
travel, clothes, books, and film or music retail between the
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
 2003 and 2013.
Submitted by asmaningrum2125 on

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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 78%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, year with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "numbers of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pie chart
  • online shopping
  • retail sector
  • New Zealand
  • comparison
  • increase
  • shift
  • traditional
  • popularity
  • platforms
  • technology
  • internet access
  • consumer behavior
  • preferences
  • factors
  • growth
  • impact
  • brick-and-mortar stores
  • challenges
  • opportunities
  • future trends
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