IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

It is important for people to take risks, in both their professional lives and personal lives. Do the advantages of taking these risks outweigh the disadvantages?

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Whether we like it or not, it is argued that it is crucial for people to embrace
risks
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 in distinct areas of their being, namely in their professional careers and private lives.
This
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 essay vehemently argues that the advantages are outnumbered by the disadvantages. When it comes to demerits, failures or setbacks could be potential downsides. A person who decides to take the risk and invest all of his savings in the stock market might face a detrimental consequence
such
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 as getting bankrupted, or even an adolescent who decides to take the risk and sign up for bungee jumping may probably be injured physically.
This
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for instance
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 happened to me, when stock marketing became trendy in the business world and I lost a staggering amount of my savings by doing the stock trading. Despite undeniable disadvantages to taking
risks
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, enormous importance has been laid on
this
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.
This
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 development could have remarkable awards
such
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 as facing new opportunities for growing personally.
In other words
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, taking personal and professional
risks
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 forces folks to step out of their comfort zone, develop new interpersonal skills, and gain valuable experiences in both mentioned areas. My father,
for example
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, decided to start his own business, at the beginning, he confronted many obstacles
such
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 as financial shortage, albeit after two years he became extremely successful and independent.
Furthermore
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, taking the personal
risks
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 to start learning a new sport
such
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 as yoga could give a hand in enhancing physical and mental health.
To conclude
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, given the scenario above, everything can be recapitulated into the fact that, the importance of embracing personal and career
risks
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 is undeniable.
Although
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this
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 situation has both benefits and drawbacks, I vehemently declare that the disadvantages are outnumbered by the advantages
due to
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 the dramatic rewards
such
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 as personal growth and facing new positive opportunities,
however
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,
risks
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 should be taken with caution to prevent catastrophe from happening
such
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 as financial bankruptcy.

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coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure of your essay, ensure that your ideas are organized in a more systematic way. Each paragraph should contain a clear main idea that is expanded with supporting details. Try to avoid presenting multiple ideas in one paragraph without fully developing each one.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present, they could be strengthened by more clearly paraphrasing the prompt in the introduction and summarizing the main points in the conclusion without introducing any new information.
coherence cohesion
You've done a good job in supporting your main points with examples. However, ensure that your examples directly tie back to the main point you're making in that paragraph. Aim for more specificity to clearly demonstrate the relevance and effectiveness of the example.
task achievement
A complete response to the task has been given, but it could be strengthened by presenting a more nuanced discussion that includes both sides of the argument evenly before concluding. Aim for a balanced presentation where both advantages and disadvantages are explored to the same extent.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear, but they could be expressed more comprehensively by offering deeper insights and analysis. Focus on explaining the logic behind your stance in greater detail, considering various perspectives and potential consequences.
task achievement
While you utilized relevant examples, strive to include more specific details about these examples to improve their effectiveness. Use these examples to illustrate your points more vividly and demonstrate a sophisticated understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Opportunities
  • Growth
  • Innovation
  • Challenges
  • Self-discovery
  • Resilience
  • Uncertainty
  • Consequences
  • Calculated risks
  • Stagnation
  • Regret
  • Comfort zone
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Adventurous spirit
  • Thriving
  • Failure
  • Mitigate
  • Reap the rewards
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