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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some Young People are leaving the countryside to live in towns and cities, leaving only old people in the countryside. What problems are caused by this issue? What can be done to solve this situation?

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Currently, most of the youth
generation
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 are moving from the
countryside
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 to live in
cities
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 and
towns
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,
thus
Linking Words
 the elder
people
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 are left behind in the
countryside
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.
This
Linking Words
 situation is happening because young
people
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 are more eager to explore new
places
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 and if they move they can easily find interesting
places
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 in
cities
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 to hang out rather than the
countryside
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. These problems can be solved by teaching or letting them know that they can do many
fun
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 activities without leaving their current
places
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. Nowadays, some young
people
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 have a huge interest in exploring new
places
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. Since their
generation
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 is already surrounded by the rapid growth of social media. They now become more familiar with
places
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 that they have not visited yet.
For example
Linking Words
, there was a person who had been living in the
countryside
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 since he was born, until he saw one of the videos on social media, about how amazing life is in metropolitan areas.
Then
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, when he already managed his money, he chose to move out from his current house in the
countryside
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. So it can be said that some
people
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 might be curious about living in a huge city,with lots of buildings.
Furthermore
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, the young
generation
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 can hardly find
fun
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 activities in the
countryside
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. Since in the
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countryside
Add a comma
countryside,
show examples
 there are not likely to be malls or amusement parks, like the the ones in the
cities
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. Even though the
countryside
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 is more peaceful than in the
cities
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, young
people
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 tend to like exciting crowded
places
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, like going to a party.
Thus
Linking Words
, in the
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countryside
Add a comma
countryside,
show examples
people
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are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
rarely
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
find a club that offers
this
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 kind of event.
That is
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 why, young citizens prefer to live in the
cities
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 because they think it is more
fun
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. In order to tackle these problems, the older
people
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 can tell or teach the young
generation
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 that living in the
countryside
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 is as
fun
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 as living in
towns
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. I believe the elder
people
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 who live in the
countryside
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 are more experienced and know many
places
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 in the
countryside
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 better than young
people
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. They can teach them that they can have
fun
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 without moving to
towns
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, like telling them to explore more in nature
such
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 as beaches, lakes,
mountains
Correct word choice
and mountains
show examples
. With
this
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 action, young
people
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 can reconsider their choices about moving out.
To sum up
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, some of the young
people
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 are leaving their current house which is the
countryside
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 to live in
towns
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 and
cities
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 the elderly
people
Use synonyms
 are left behind in the
countryside
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 can be happening because young
people
Use synonyms
 have a huge interest in exploring new
places
Use synonyms
 and if they move they can easily find interesting
places
Use synonyms
 in
cities
Use synonyms
 to hang out rather than the
countryside
Use synonyms
. In order to solve these problems, it can be teaching or letting them know that they can do many
fun
Use synonyms
 activities without leaving their current
places
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Your essay provides a general overview of the topic, but could benefit from more detailed and specific examples to strengthen the arguments. Aim to include more concrete examples to illustrate your points.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try to organize your paragraphs in a more logical manner, ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Use transitions effectively to connect your ideas smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines the issues to be discussed and your conclusion summarizes the main points and suggests solutions. This will make your essay feel more complete and satisfying.
coherence cohesion
Expand your introduction and conclusion to make them more comprehensive. Include a brief outline of the problems and solutions in the introduction, and reinforce these with a summary in the conclusion.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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