The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issue involved. Some people think the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical educational lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #healthcare #system #effort #health #lessons #school #curriculum

The quality of healthcare services provided by the government and the effectiveness of health-related budgeting expenses

has

Correct subject-verb agreement

have

show examples

always been a topic for

agruments

Correct your spelling

arguments

argument

. These discussions grow louder as the number of overweight people is increasingly growing.

While

negatively impacting

individual's

Correct article usage

an individual's

show examples

health, it is

also

putting a strain on the whole healthcare system. Adding more physical educational

lessons

in schools may be one way to reduce the severity of the problem.

Overall

, it is a good idea to invest

into

Change preposition

show examples

the younger generation. Introducing more

lessons

which influence

physical

Correct article usage

the physical

show examples

development of pupils may have a positive effect not only in the immediate future

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

but

years

Rephrase

also years

show examples

after it had been implemented in schools.

This

due to

the fact that after graduating young people often continue doing sports even in the absence of formal

lessons

On the other hand

, adding more physical education

lessons

might increase the stress on children. With tight schedules and a range of

out of school

Add a hyphen

out-of-school

show examples

activities that many pupils

attend

Add a comma

attend,

show examples

they have less and less time to recover and prepare for

Correct article usage

the next

show examples

day. Constant lack of free personal time and decreased productivity in academic subjects may be the price to pay for extra

lessons

Also

one should consider that the bulk of

overweight

Add an article

the overweight

show examples

population consists of adults over 30 years old. And so to tackle the problem of limited

healthare

Correct your spelling

healthcare

health are

budgets, government efforts should mainly focus on stimulating sports and fitness

activitites

Correct your spelling

activities

within

this

other large slice of

population

Add an article

the population

show examples

To sum up

, I believe that increasing the number of physical education

lessons

has more drawbacks than advantages. With limited

budgets

Add a comma

budgets,

show examples

I am sure that the primary approach to having a healthy population is investing in

sport

Change the noun form

sports

show examples

activities for adults.

Submitted by fednastya000 on Tue Jan 23 2024

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task achievement

Ensure you have a clear stance that addresses the question throughout your essay. Your introduction should clearly state whether you agree or disagree with the statement.

task achievement

Develop your main points with specific examples and details to support your argument.

coherence cohesion

Use logical connectors and transition words to link your ideas smoothly.

coherence cohesion

Make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea, and avoid introducing new points in your conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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7Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
16Grammar mistakes
 

5 paragraphs

282 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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