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Band 4.5

Many animal species in the world are becoming extinct nowadays. Some people say that countries and individuals should protect these animals form dying out, while others say we should concentrate more on problems of human beings. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#species #world #people #countries #individuals #animals #form #beings
It has been a global concern that the number of wildlife creatures on
Earth
 has been decreasing gradually. A vast amount of opinions have emerged regarding
this
 issue. One of them is that we should come up with solutions that will protect the animals from going extinct. Meanwhile, other parties think that we ought to focus on the problems in our society first. For that reason, the upcoming essay will discuss
both
point
Change to a plural noun
points
show examples
 of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
. Prioritizing the decreasing amount of animal species is imperative since it is important for the sake of wildlife security and balance.
This
 is backed up
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 several reasons.
Firstly
, securing animals from going extinct is done to keep their existence on
Earth
. Imagine if
in
Add the comma(s)
, in
show examples
 the next 10 years, the majority of animal types have reduced heavily. Of course, we do not want our grandchildren to miss out
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 beauty
Earth
 has to offer.
Secondly
, our ecosystem is prone to be affected. As a part of the
Earth
's lifecycle, animals have their own roles that will have impacts on other elements of our nature.
For example
, their food chains have the possibility to be disrupted if one of the
component
Change to a plural noun
components
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 is gone.
Hence
, the spotlight of the
government
 and the citizen's concern should be directed towards
this
 specific problem.
Although
 we have noticed the importance of prioritizing wildlife extinction, it cannot be neglected that the cost of it is not cheap. A large amount of investment must be allocated for the given issue. For that reason, some people believe that it is ineffective and that investment should be used for
people-centered
Change the spelling
people-centred
show examples
 problems.
For instance
, poverty and hunger still roam in a lot of areas. Shifting the
government
's focus to address these
issues
 first will definitely be more impactful since more folks will experience the effects directly.
Therefore
, by taking the cost into consideration, the
government
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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ought to solve humanity
issues
 first. In my perspective, there must be a balance between
both
 concerns. The
government
, as
decision makers
Add a hyphen
decision-makers
show examples
, need to quickly come up with a decision that benefits
both
issues
.
Firstly
,
this
 should be done by delegating these concerns into
seperate
Correct your spelling
separate
 organizations. As an example,
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the national scale, they have their own ministries that are able to focus on
both
issues
 at the same time.
Secondly
, wise money allocation is the key to solving
both
 problems.
Hence
,
at the end
 of the day, it is up to the
decision makers
Add a hyphen
decision-makers
show examples
.
Submitted by nadiamanda.salsabilla on

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task achievement
While the essay addresses the task, the development of some main points could be expanded with more specific examples to illustrate the arguments. Include more detailed instances or data to support the claims made, particularly when discussing the importance of animal preservation and the impact of resolving human problems.
coherence and cohesion
The essay presents an understandable logical structure, with clear paragraphs and a good use of linking words. To improve, consider varying sentence structures and transitional phrases for a more sophisticated flow. Complex sentences could be employed to demonstrate a higher level of coherence and cohesion.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and serve their purposes, but the conclusion could be enhanced by offering a more decisive personal opinion, as well as summarizing the main points more clearly to reinforce the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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