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Band 3

Nowadays, many families have both parents working. Some working parents believe other family members like grandparents can take care of their children, while others think childcare centres provide the best care. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#families #parents #members #grandparents #care #children #childcare #centres
Now,
a
Change preposition
in a
show examples
lot of families both parents are working. Some parents who work think that other family
member
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members
show examples
 like grandfather and grandmother can look after their children, meanwhile others believe that
kindergarten
give
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gives
show examples
best
Change the article
the best
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 care. I agree that childcare centres give better
education
,
while
grandparents
 can not look after their grandkids
due to
phisical
Correct your spelling
physical
 abilities. Teachers and
kindergarten
Replace the word
kindergarteners
show examples
 are more professionals. In that
centre
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centre,
show examples
 they have a lot of
equipments
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equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
such
 as cameras,
toys
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and toys
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,
have
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and have
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own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
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 nurse who can give first aid,
while
 teachers can provide
pre-
Correct your spelling
preschool
show examples
school
education
.
For example
,
accoding
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according
 to
Ministry
Correct article usage
the Ministry
show examples
 of
Education
 in Kazakhstan 80% of children who study well at
school
attendet
Correct your spelling
attend
,
kindetgartens
Correct your spelling
kindergartens
kindergarten
, in comparison with those who did not go to
kindergarten
.
Grandparents
mostly
Add a missing verb
are mostly
show examples
 unable
physically
Fix the infinitive
to physically
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 prepare them to go
school
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to school
show examples
 and can not give them basic knowledge.
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
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 of
grandparents
 are old and do not have
pre-
Correct your spelling
preschool
show examples
school
education
 to teach them to prepare
to
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for
show examples
school
. I had
a classmates
Correct the article-noun agreement
a classmate
classmates
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 who did not go to childcare
centre
Fix the agreement mistake
centres
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had
Correct word choice
and had
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 bad knowledge, and till
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high
school
Add a comma
school,
show examples
 their level of
education
were
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was
show examples
 lower than kids who went to
kindergarten
. Those kids who
was
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were
show examples
 not looked after grandmother were
more
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apply
show examples
smarter than others. In conclusion, kids who were in
pre-
Correct your spelling
preschool
show examples
school
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 are more educated than children who were brought up by
grandparents
.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion structure. Introduce the topic and the main points you will discuss in the introduction. In the body, develop each point in a separate paragraph with supporting details. Summarize your points and restate your opinion in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of linking words to help the essay flow more naturally. Examples include 'firstly,' 'in addition,' 'however,' and 'therefore.' Avoid repeating the same connectors and try to show a range of vocabulary.
task achievement
Make sure your response directly addresses all parts of the task. Clearly present both views and your own opinion throughout the essay, not just at the end.
task achievement
Include more detailed examples and explanations to support your points. Provide specific, real-world examples that are directly related to the argument you are making.
task achievement
Focus on which view is more valid, your essay currently leans towards discussing the effectiveness of childcare centres without fully exploring the advantages or possible strengths of grandparent care.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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