IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Nowadays, more people are becoming overweight. Some people think that the solution is to increase the price of fattening food? To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#people #price #food
Today, fatty food is blamed for
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 rising number of overweight people. One school of thought holds that country authorities should raise the
price
 to combat
this
 phenomenon.
While
 I accept that
this
 perception is somewhat justifiable, I assert that the
solotion
Correct your spelling
solution
also
 brings some drawbacks to that notion. On the one hand, it is understandable why expanding the
price
 of oily products could prevent citizens from becoming obese. First and foremost, it could improve residents' diets.
For instance
, with a limited budget, several persons would prefer alternative meats,
such
 as fish, vegetables, and other fat-free products, than unhealthy ones, thereby leading them to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthier eating
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
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.
Furthermore
, expensively fattening meals could enhance
person's
Correct article usage
a person's
show examples
 health.
This
 is because,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
decreasing the intake of fat
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a
boby
Correct your spelling
baby
as well as
 increasing
diversity
Correct article usage
the diversity
show examples
 of nutritions,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
not only could enhance consumers' immune systems but
also
 help them guard against serious
heatlh
Correct your spelling
health
 problems
such
 as heart attack, stroke, or diabetes that
caused
Add a missing verb
are caused
show examples
 by obesity.
On the other hand
, there are a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that expensively fattening dishes could negatively affect each individual and whole society. One rationale is that workers could lose their jobs. To be more specific,
due to
costly
Correct article usage
the costly
show examples
price
, the
quanity
Correct your spelling
number
 of customers might
fell
Wrong verb form
fall
show examples
. Because of
this
, the profit of restaurants, food stores, or even
livestocks
Correct your spelling
livestock
 might be reduced or
dificient
Correct your spelling
deficient
,
in addition
, a variety of employees who work in those industries are at risk of being
lay
Wrong verb form
laid
show examples
 off. Another justification is that putting additional taxes on high-oil food might badly impact
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the poor. In fact, in various developed countries, ordinary citizens who get by on a small salary
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 only afford cheap fatty meats.
As a result
, low-class people, especially
underprivileged
Correct article usage
the underprivileged
show examples
, would struggle even more to cover their daily expenses. In conclusion,
while
 it is irrefutable that
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
growth of fatty products
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 might have some merits, I would contend
Correct word choice
that gorverning
show examples
gorverning
Correct your spelling
governing
 bodies should consider
this
 decision carefully because of its serious repercussions.
Submitted by khoihoangtrong96 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure you have a clear topic sentence for each paragraph that directly relates to the thesis statement and ensure that all subsequent sentences in the paragraph develop the main idea presented in the topic sentence. Avoid unrelated details.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and data where possible to support your arguments, ensuring relevance and strengthening your main points. Real-world examples, statistics, or studies would enhance your arguments.
task achievement
To enhance your score, work on developing each point fully, aligning closely with the essay prompt. You can improve this by deepening your analysis and clearly connecting your arguments to the core topic with more precision.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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