IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

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Having a great amount of
money
Use synonyms
 in
life
Use synonyms
 may bring us
happiness
Use synonyms
. A myriad of people believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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big
money
Use synonyms
 is crucial to have a graceful
life
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will look at the role of
money
Use synonyms
 in our
happiness
Use synonyms
, before turning to other imperative for pleasure in
life
Use synonyms
. Having a good balance in a bank account is considered
as
Correct your spelling
a
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 cause of
happiness
Use synonyms
. In fact, many people tie their
happiness
Use synonyms
 to their
wealthiness
Replace the word
wealth
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. They think most of the problems are
solve
Wrong verb form
solved
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 easily when they own enough
money
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, they think the consequences of owning expensive vehicles and accommodation is their
happiness
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.
While
Linking Words
 being wealthy is not
only
Add an article
the only
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 reason for
happy
Add an article
a happy
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life
Use synonyms
, the positive impact of owning good houses and automobiles in our lives is undeniable. Others assume the reputation as a reason for
happiness
Use synonyms
. They believe famous people, actors
in particular
Linking Words
, can enjoy their
life
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 in a better manner. Their claim is,
if
Correct word choice
that if
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 they become famous, they can be happy, which seems unrealistic
in
Change preposition
apply
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to me. I believe the most important factor of a happy
life
Use synonyms
 is our
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
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. Indeed, having a lot of
money
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 can help us to
gain
Verb problem
get
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
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better treatment when we get sick,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
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 we are not able to buy health with
money
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. Needless to say, the accompaniment of
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 healthy body and mind is crucial for a happy
life
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. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 a great amount of
money
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 can help us to have access to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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better goods and essentials for living, the impact of other aspects,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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health
in particular
Linking Words
, is undeniable for a grandeur
life
Use synonyms
.

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coherence cohesion
You have presented an essay that generally addresses the prompt with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To improve the coherence and cohesion of your essay, work on strengthening the logical structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear central idea that is expanded upon with relevant details. Additionally, including more specific examples and evidence to support your points will help to provide a more robust and compelling argument. Aim to vary your sentence structures and use linking words to enhance the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Regarding task achievement, you have made a good attempt to cover the essay prompt. However, ensure you answer all parts of the question comprehensively. While you discussed how money can contribute to happiness and briefly mentioned health as another factor, consider exploring a broader range of non-material aspects that can lead to happiness. This will give your essay more depth and show a clearer understanding of the topic. Make sure your ideas directly answer the question throughout the essay, keeping the focus on how these aspects relate to happiness.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Basic needs
  • Comfort
  • Luxury
  • Freedom
  • Altruistic
  • Philanthropy
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Fulfillment
  • Sense of accomplishment
  • Physical well-being
  • Spiritual beliefs
  • Community involvement
  • Gratitude
  • Mindfulness
  • Simple pleasures
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