IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Researches show that overeating is as harmful as smoking. Therefore, the advertisements of food products should be banned in the same way as the cigarettes advertising is banned in many countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#show #advertisements #food #products #cigarettes #countries
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There is no doubt that overeating may be causing various detrimental health issues, like smoking.
Therefore
, I agree with the statement that
advertisements
 are the most powerful marketing tool for publicizing manufactured goods among customers. Some countries have imposed restrictions on product commercialization because
advertisements
 may be harmful, like smoking. In the following paragraphs, I will provide arguments to support my opinion.
To begin
 with, the manufacturer always depends on
advertisements
 to distribute the produced product among potential customers.
This
 is because they tend to market their goods without considering the pros and cons of commercialization in society, as they always prefer profit.
For example
, children are motivated by watching colourful
advertisements
 in electronic media, which is very harmful not only to children's health but
also
 to their socio-economic condition.
Besides
, a large number of adolescents are experiencing health-related problems like obesity.
Therefore
, guardians are struggling to maintain their lives with limited income.
On the other hand
, it is often said that smoking is injurious to health.
Although
 the government has been earning millions of dollars relating to taxes applicable to cigarette manufacturers,
this
 cigarette business may be causing the improper well-being of children, especially youth.
Furthermore
, if a child is inspired to smoke by the advertisement of cigarettes, it is very easy for him to become addicted to other drugs like heroin and alcohol. It is true that
advertisements
 not only maximise company profit but are
also
 one of the main reasons for leading the young generation into the dark future. In conclusion, it can be reiterated that
advertisements
 for food products should be banned gradually, as they have a negative impact on future generations
as well as
 socio-economic development.
Submitted by faisalmahamood on

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Coherence & Cohesion
To improve your score in coherence and cohesion, you should aim to create a more structured flow within your essay. Use a variety of linking words and phrases to ensure a clear relationship between ideas. Additionally, work on paragraph structuring, making sure each one has a clear main point and is elaborated upon cohesively.
Task Achievement
For task achievement, expand on your ideas with more precise and detailed examples that are directly related to the question. Make sure to fully address all parts of the prompt and develop your argument throughout the essay. You should state your position clearly in the introduction and consistently maintain this stance, providing a thorough analysis of the issues raised in the question.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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