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Band 4

Advertising is increasing the sales of products that people do not need. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#sales #products #people
It was a fascinating learning
experience
 during the IIAP learning journey. The cognitive
experience
 was a lifetime learning journey that I will not forget. It involves
detail
Replace the word
detailed
show examples
 reading, brainstorming,
discussion
 and respecting each
others
Change noun form
other's
show examples
 views. Before the
discussion
, I was not aware that infectious disease can be so impactful to
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
,
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
 or even the world. As I had been through in China
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
all citizens need to follow the government policy during a pandemic. As the course
goes
Wrong verb form
went
show examples
 on, I
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
learnt how to do research
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the issue through peer
discussion
 and projecting my opinion. The issue and perspective of
diseases outbreak
Fix the agreement mistake
disease outbreaks
show examples
 seems little knowledge before I learned from the group
discussion
.
Furthermore
, I was tasked to search and discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the economic impact and perspective of the outbreak of the virus. I was not
use
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
 to
such
learning
Correct article usage
a learning
show examples
experience
 and I was forced to learn how to search for relevant answers through advanced technology example the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
. Apart from
it
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
, I had apprenticed from my peers where to search for information and relate it to my
discussion
. During the meaningful educational
experience
, the impact of
virus
Add an article
the virus
show examples
 is enormous to the world. The economic impact during a pandemic is an issue that not just
effect
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the country but
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every individual. The key to the right lock is important as time and
financial
Replace the word
finances
show examples
 are crucial to the government. The fiscal and monetary policies must be in place in order to help
local
Add an article
the local
show examples
 economy.
The export
Correct article usage
Export
show examples
 will be affected as workers and companies
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 export their products, it will definitely lower the aggregate demand and
therefore
 decline the national income.
Moreover
, the government needs to spend more money to combat the virus
such
 as temporary medical stations, medications and research to solve the epidemic.
This
 even
worsen
Change the verb form
worsens
show examples
 the government’s budgets and may even deficit. I acknowledge that it is
much
Rephrase
very
show examples
 important to rely on my own knowledge and express my thoughts from the
fundamental
Fix the agreement mistake
fundamentals
show examples
 I had learnt during the lectures. Without much attention in class, I may not be able to fulfil the
discussion
. As I was a timid and shy girl, open
discuss
Replace the word
discussion
show examples
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 not my cup of tea.
However
, through the journey, I now understand that expressing my thoughts is becoming a rewarding
experience
. I may use
such
 skills in the future when in my career days.
Submitted by hanz.hyz326 on

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task achievement
Ensure your essay directly addresses the topic of the prompt. Your essay should focus on the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement that advertising increases the sales of unnecessary products. Provide a clear thesis statement reflecting your stance.
coherence and cohesion
Organize your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction should introduce the topic and your opinion, the body paragraphs should support your opinion with explanations and examples, and the conclusion should summarize your arguments and restate your opinion.
task achievement
Develop and support your main points with specific examples and explanations that are relevant to the topic of advertising and consumer behavior. Avoid discussing off-topic issues or personal anecdotes that do not directly support your argument about advertising.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your argument. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main point and that all sentences within the paragraph relate to that point.
coherence and cohesion
Transition smoothly between ideas and paragraphs using appropriate linking words and phrases to maintain a cohesive narrative flow. This helps the reader to understand how your arguments are connected and the progression of your thoughts.
coherence and cohesion
Revise the essay to include a clear conclusion that summarizes the key points discussed and reinforces your response to the essay prompt.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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