IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Sugary drinks should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#drinks #people #sugar
It is argued that
drinks
 with a lot of
sugar
 should be priced higher to reduce
people
's glucose intake.
This
 essay agrees with
this
 statement because of the risk of consuming a high amount of
sugar
 and that hiking the
price
 up would promote
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
better global
health
 for all. Consuming too much glucose, one of them in the form of
beverages
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 can have many
short
Add a hyphen
short-term
show examples
term
 and even
long
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
term
health
risks
. As an example, consuming too much
sugar
 can lead to
headache
Fix the agreement mistake
headaches
show examples
 and the body feeling sluggish because our body cannot digest all the
sugar
 that comes into the body. Not only the
short
Add a hyphen
short-term
show examples
term
risks
,
long
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
term
 ones
such
a
Correct your spelling
as
show examples
 diabetes is a very prevalent
risk
Fix the agreement mistake
risks
show examples
 that
people
 need to be aware of. A recent
health
 census showed that the number of
people
 with diabetes
rises
Wrong verb form
has risen
show examples
 dramatically over the past few years, and
this
 is directly impacted by
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
high consumption of glucose. Reducing the
price
 of these
beverages
 would lead to
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
people
 buying them. These
drinks
 are usually priced very low, with them costing as low as IDR 2.000 in Indonesia. To put it into perspective, IDR 2.000 is equal to around 20 cents in US dollars. A lot of
people
 drink
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of
beverages
 because they are cheap and they
tasted
Wrong verb form
taste
show examples
 good, unaware of the
health
risks
 that it brings. Putting a minimum
price
 policy would prevent the
people
 who buy these
drinks
 just because the
drinks
 are cheap to buy them. A similar rule is placed on cigarettes, which is
also
 a consumable with great
health
risks
. In conclusion, I agree that a higher
price
 for
beverages
 with a lot of
sugar
 should be given because of the
health
risks
 that it brings and that similar ways of promoting better global
health
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 been proven to be successful.
Submitted by acupofbrownsugar on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Make sure to structure your essay into clear paragraphs with distinct functions - an introduction, at least two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and a logical sequence.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas and add coherence to your essay. Words like 'therefore,' 'moreover,' 'however,' and 'in addition' can guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Develop your main points by providing more detailed examples. While it is good to mention a health census and the policy on cigarettes, more specifics can provide better support for your argument.
task achievement
When agreeing or disagreeing with a statement, you can strengthen your position by directly addressing potential counterarguments and refuting them.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Sugary drinks, sugar-sweetened beverages, soft drinks
  • Health consequences, obesity, diabetes, dental health
  • Government intervention, public health, deterrent
  • Sin taxes, levies, fiscal policies
  • Equity, accessibility, low-income communities
  • Consumer behavior, dietary habits
  • Education campaigns, public awareness
  • Beverage industry, economic impact
  • Paternalism, autonomy, personal choice
  • Global trends, international policies
What to do next:
Look at other essays: