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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many country, women are allowed to take maternity leave during the first month after birth of the newborn. Do you think that the advantages of the maternity leave outweigh its disadvantages?

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Maternity
Use synonyms
 leave has become a mandatory regulation in many
country
Change to a plural noun
countries
show examples
. During the first month after giving
birth
Use synonyms
, women or
Use synonyms
mother
Fix the agreement mistake
mothers
show examples
 are recommended or allowed by their workplace to take
maternity
Use synonyms
 leave.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, when a company
didn't
Wrong verb form
doesn't
show examples
 allow it, it could be considered as a violation towards
human's
Change noun form
human
show examples
 and women's rights.
Consequently
Linking Words
, massive protests towards that company will likely
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
occured
Correct your spelling
occur
.
Due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, it can be seen that most people have agreed with
this
Linking Words
 rule and
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe the advantages of taking
maternity
Use synonyms
 leave
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 outweigh its
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
show examples
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will elaborate
some
Change preposition
on some
show examples
 of its advantages.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
maternity
Use synonyms
 leave is
normalized
Correct article usage
a normalized
show examples
 and mandatory regulation in the workplace nowadays.
Moreover
Linking Words
, most companies have declared
this
Linking Words
 exact rule
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 worker's
contract
Fix the agreement mistake
contracts
show examples
. One of the
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
show examples
 behind
this
Linking Words
 because after giving
birth
Use synonyms
,
newly
Rephrase
the new
show examples
 mom or
mother
Use synonyms
 is
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their most fragile state. The process of giving
birth
Use synonyms
, as we all know, is not something easy. Giving
birth
Use synonyms
 is a
life or death
Add a hyphen
life-or-death
show examples
 situation because it
involved
Wrong verb form
involves
show examples
 two
soul
Change to a plural noun
souls
show examples
. Some
Use synonyms
mother
Fix the agreement mistake
mothers
show examples
 experienced blood
lost
Replace the word
loss
show examples
, oxygen drop, pass-out, and so on.
As a result
Linking Words
, mothers can't do their usual routine and many doctors
advised
Wrong verb form
advise
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these new mothers to rest and focus on recovering.
Hence
Linking Words
, why it is recommended for
Use synonyms
mother
Fix the agreement mistake
mothers
show examples
 to take
maternity
Use synonyms
 leave.
Lastly
Linking Words
, like their
mother
Use synonyms
,
new born
Correct your spelling
newborn
show examples
Use synonyms
baby
Fix the agreement mistake
babies
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
also
Linking Words
 fragile, especially
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their first month. They still depend on their
mother
Use synonyms
 for food and bond. New born
baby
Use synonyms
 or we like to
called
Change the verb
call
show examples
 a
new born
Correct your spelling
newborn
show examples
 needs a lot of their
Use synonyms
parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
show examples
 attention. From adapting to a new world
until
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their feeding process.
For instance
Linking Words
, it is important for a
baby
Use synonyms
 to be fed with breast milk,
thus
Linking Words
 why an infant needs their
mom
Change noun form
mom's
show examples
 presence most of the
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
. Both of their
parents
Use synonyms
, especially their mom, had to teach them on sucking or drinking from their
breast
Fix the agreement mistake
breasts
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
one month
Add a hyphen
one-month
show examples
 process will affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
Use synonyms
baby
Change noun form
baby's
show examples
 growth and development. Based on psychology theory,
baby
Use synonyms
 from the
age
Use synonyms
0
Change preposition
of 0
show examples
until 5
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 considered the most important
age
Use synonyms
 or the golden
age
Use synonyms
 for their development.
Thus
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
parents
Change noun form
parents'
parent's
show examples
 involvement in
this
Linking Words
 particular
age
Use synonyms
 is needed because they still need their guidance to survive. In conclusion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe
its
Change the word
the
show examples
 advantages of taking
maternity
Use synonyms
 leave
does
Verb problem
apply
show examples
outweigh its
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
show examples
. It can be proven by the condition of the new
mother
Use synonyms
 and the importance of
Use synonyms
mother's
Correct article usage
the mother's
show examples
 presence for their
new born
Correct your spelling
newborn
show examples
. Psychology theory
said
Wrong verb form
says
show examples
 that
Use synonyms
baby
Fix the agreement mistake
babies
show examples
 from the
age
Use synonyms
0
Change preposition
of 0
show examples
until 5
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 called the golden
age
Use synonyms
 because it's their crucial
age
Use synonyms
 for development and
Use synonyms
parents
Change noun form
parents'
parent's
show examples
 involvement
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
also
Linking Words
 expected.

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coherence cohesion
Continue to structure your essay with logical arguments and clear progression, but work on ensuring a more distinct introduction and conclusion. It is crucial to restate your thesis and summarize key points in the conclusion.
task achievement
While your essay completes the task, it can be improved by expanding on the specific advantages and also discussing potential disadvantages to provide a balanced view.
task achievement
To enhance clarity and the development of ideas, provide specific and varied examples that underscore your points. The use of theoretical references like psychology theory is good, but diversify with concrete cases and data if possible.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by linking your ideas more smoothly using a wider range of discourse markers and transition phrases.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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