In many country, women are allowed to take maternity leave during the first month after birth of the newborn. Do you think that the advantages of the maternity leave outweigh its disadvantages?

#country #women #maternity #first #month #birth

Maternity

leave has become a mandatory regulation in many

country

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countries

show examples

. During the first month after giving

birth

, women or

mother

Fix the agreement mistake

mothers

show examples

are recommended or allowed by their workplace to take

maternity

leave.

On the contrary

, when a company

didn't

Wrong verb form

doesn't

show examples

allow it, it could be considered as a violation towards

human's

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human

show examples

and women's rights.

Consequently

, massive protests towards that company will likely

Unnecessary verb

apply

show examples

occured

Correct your spelling

occur

Due to

this

, it can be seen that most people have agreed with

this

rule and

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show examples

believe the advantages of taking

maternity

leave

does

Correct subject-verb agreement

show examples

outweigh its

disadvantage

Fix the agreement mistake

disadvantages

show examples

. In

this

essay,

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show examples

will elaborate

some

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on some

show examples

of its advantages.

Firstly

maternity

leave is

normalized

Correct article usage

a normalized

show examples

and mandatory regulation in the workplace nowadays.

Moreover

, most companies have declared

this

exact rule

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show examples

its

Correct pronoun usage

their

show examples

worker's

contract

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contracts

show examples

. One of the

reason

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reasons

show examples

behind

this

because after giving

birth

newly

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the new

show examples

mom or

mother

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show examples

their most fragile state. The process of giving

birth

, as we all know, is not something easy. Giving

birth

is a

life or death

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life-or-death

show examples

situation because it

involved

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involves

show examples

two

soul

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souls

show examples

. Some

mother

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mothers

show examples

experienced blood

lost

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loss

show examples

, oxygen drop, pass-out, and so on.

As a result

, mothers can't do their usual routine and many doctors

advised

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advise

show examples

Change preposition

apply

show examples

these new mothers to rest and focus on recovering.

Hence

, why it is recommended for

mother

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mothers

show examples

to take

maternity

leave.

Lastly

, like their

mother

new born

Correct your spelling

newborn

show examples

baby

Fix the agreement mistake

babies

show examples

Correct subject-verb agreement

are

show examples

also

fragile, especially

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show examples

their first month. They still depend on their

mother

for food and bond. New born

baby

or we like to

called

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call

show examples

new born

Correct your spelling

newborn

show examples

needs a lot of their

parents

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parent's

parents'

show examples

attention. From adapting to a new world

until

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show examples

their feeding process.

For instance

, it is important for a

baby

to be fed with breast milk,

thus

why an infant needs their

mom

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mom's

show examples

presence most of the

times

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time

show examples

. Both of their

parents

, especially their mom, had to teach them on sucking or drinking from their

breast

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breasts

show examples

Additionally

this

one month

Add a hyphen

one-month

show examples

process will affect

Change preposition

apply

show examples

their

baby

Change noun form

baby's

show examples

growth and development. Based on psychology theory,

baby

from the

age

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of 0

show examples

until 5

Correct subject-verb agreement

are

show examples

considered the most important

age

or the golden

age

for their development.

Thus

parents

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parents'

parent's

show examples

involvement in

this

particular

age

is needed because they still need their guidance to survive. In conclusion,

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show examples

believe

its

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the

show examples

advantages of taking

maternity

leave

does

Verb problem

apply

show examples

outweigh its

disadvantage

Fix the agreement mistake

disadvantages

show examples

. It can be proven by the condition of the new

mother

and the importance of

mother's

Correct article usage

the mother's

show examples

presence for their

new born

Correct your spelling

newborn

show examples

. Psychology theory

said

Wrong verb form

says

show examples

that

baby

Fix the agreement mistake

babies

show examples

from the

age

Change preposition

of 0

show examples

until 5

Correct subject-verb agreement

are

show examples

called the golden

age

because it's their crucial

age

for development and

parents

Change noun form

parents'

parent's

show examples

involvement

are

Correct subject-verb agreement

show examples

also

expected.

Submitted by writingielts0 on Thu Jan 25 2024

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coherence cohesion

Continue to structure your essay with logical arguments and clear progression, but work on ensuring a more distinct introduction and conclusion. It is crucial to restate your thesis and summarize key points in the conclusion.

task achievement

While your essay completes the task, it can be improved by expanding on the specific advantages and also discussing potential disadvantages to provide a balanced view.

task achievement

To enhance clarity and the development of ideas, provide specific and varied examples that underscore your points. The use of theoretical references like psychology theory is good, but diversify with concrete cases and data if possible.

coherence cohesion

Improve coherence by linking your ideas more smoothly using a wider range of discourse markers and transition phrases.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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13Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
55Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

430 words

5.00

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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In many country, women are allowed to take maternity leave during the first month after birth of the newborn. Do you think that the advantages of the maternity leave outweigh its disadvantages?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

sop of australia regarding supply chain management

Although most people are richer than in the past, modern life seems very stressful, and the number of people suffering from stress is at record levels. What are the main causes? How could stress be reduced?

To what extent do the internet increase social cohension

Some people say that individuals who make a lot of money are most successful. Others think that those who contribute to society like scientists and teachers are most successful. Discuss both views and give your opinion.