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Band 5

In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#countries #children #work #people
In many nations, teenagers are involved in various
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of paid
employment
. Some would argue that it is totally wrong,
while
 others say that it is fine for
children
 to gain work
experience
.
This
 essay disagrees
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 allowing
children
working
Change the verb form
to work
show examples
 at
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 young age, despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
experience
 they gained, they have
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 right
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time
 for
developments
Fix the agreement mistake
development
show examples
. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, working at
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 young age
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 their life
experience
. They know how difficult to earn money and understand the real world. It will help them to develop their attitude, work ethic and responsibility at the early stage.
For example
, many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
firstborn
child
Change to a plural noun
children
show examples
 in Indonesia takes a
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
 job to help their family
financial
Change the word
financially
show examples
, it
resulted
Wrong verb form
results
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
firstborn
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
has
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 better character compared to their siblings when they grow up.
However
, I believe that adolescent should not involved in any kind of
employment
 because their mentality is not ready yet to handle working pressure.
On the other hand
,
children
 have
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 right
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
developments
Fix the agreement mistake
development
show examples
 and working at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
 could interfere with
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s
show examples
 growth and development process. It
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 prohibited by the regulation of
Correct article usage
the Indonesia
show examples
Indonesia
Correct your spelling
Indonesian
show examples
 government related to child protection to prevent
child’s
Change noun form
child
show examples
 exploitation and they
only
Add a missing verb
are only
show examples
 allowed to get
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 not more than 3 hours a day.
For example
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
paid
employment
schoolboy
Fix the agreement mistake
schoolboys
show examples
 and
girl
Fix the agreement mistake
girls
show examples
 in Indonesia
working
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 more than 3 hours a day and most of them
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not finish their study with the belief that the
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 they have
is
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 enough for their future life. I believe that teenagers should not allowed for paid work to ensure they have enough
time
 for their educations and growth process. In conclusion,
although
 working at
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 young age
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 the life
experience
 of
children
, it could interfere with their development and that
why
Add a missing verb
is why
show examples
 young
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 should not involved in any kind of
employment
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Ensure all main points are clearly supported with specific examples and evidence, which could be elaborated further for clarity and depth.
task achievement
Expand on the relevant examples, making sure they directly support the arguments. Include statistics, research, or anecdotal evidence for a more persuasive argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay reveals an understanding of the topic, but to enhance clarity and comprehension, introduce each viewpoint systematically and distinctly.
coherence cohesion
Create a clear topic sentence for each paragraph to signpost the reader through the argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on paragraph structure, ensuring that each paragraph flows logically to the next with appropriate use of linking words and phrases.

Your opinion

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Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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