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Band 5.5

People are encouraged to get rid of things in order to get the newest fashion and the latest technology. Do the disadvantages of a throwaway society outweigh the economic advantages?

#people #fashion #technology #society
It is irrefutable that more and more
people
 prefer buying new
things
 rather than getting their old products repaired.
While
this
 craze for novelty or the latest products and fashion has some advantages, its drawbacks certainly outweigh them. Admittedly, there are some benefits of
consumerism
.
Firstly
,
consumerism
 leads to mass production, and mass manufacturing leads to mass employment.
This
 is undoubtedly beneficial for the
overall
 economy of the country.
Secondly
,
consumerism
 leads to innovation.
In other words
, manufacturers are under constant pressure to innovate as
people
 are consistently looking for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
newer product or
service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
show examples
.
However
, despite the advantages, I consider
consumerism
 to be a very detrimental trend. The main drawback is that
consumerism
 leads to environmental degradation. The increasing demand for goods leads to
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 in
use
Add an article
the use
show examples
 of natural resources and energy consumption and
this
further
 leads to
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 in pollution and waste. Another major disadvantage is the increase in the debt levels. A large number of
people
 today are taking short loans
for buying
Change preposition
to buy
show examples
 luxuries or
things
 they can live without.
In addition
,
consumerism
 is changing society’s value system with
people
 shifting towards materialism and competition over integrity.
People
 want to buy
things
 they do not need so that they can stay above others.
Finally
,
consumerism
also
 has a negative effect on relationships as it forces
people
 to work harder and spend less time with loved ones. In the long run, the love for materialistic
things
 can never compete with
satisfaction
Correct article usage
the satisfaction
show examples
people
 achieve from relationships.
Thus
, most
people
 despite being richer and having more luxuries are less
happier
Correct word choice
happy
show examples
 than before.
To sum up
,
although
consumerism
 does have economic benefits, I consider it to be a degeneration of our society.
Submitted by aamenis on

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear position, but you could improve by providing more specific examples to support your main points. Try to include data, research findings, or real-world instances that illustrate the disadvantages of a throwaway society.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a logical structure, it could be enhanced by using a wider range of cohesive devices such as 'nevertheless', 'moreover', and 'consequently'. Apart from linking sentences and paragraphs, these terms can also help to emphasize the progression of your argument and make the text more reader-friendly.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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