IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It has been suggested that everyone in the world wants to own a car, a TV and a fridge. Do you think the disadvantages of such a development outweigh the advantages?

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It is irrefutable that more and more
people
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 are running after materialistic
things
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 like cars,
television
Fix the agreement mistake
televisions
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 and refrigerators.
While
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 there are a few benefits of
this
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 materialism, I believe the drawbacks are much more. Admittedly, there are certain advantages of the increasing
demand
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of
Change preposition
for
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 consumer goods. The main advantage is that the increasing
demand
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 means increasing production and employment.
Thus
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, the increasing
demand
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 directly boosts the economy. Another advantage is that the quality of life of
people
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 is getting better. The luxuries of yesterday like cars, refrigerators and air conditioners have become the necessities of today. There is no doubt that
people
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 are living a more comfortable life than ever before.
However
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,
this
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 trend has several drawbacks.
Firstly
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, the rising
demand
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 and use of
such
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 products
is
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are
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 leading to environmental degradation. In fact, today a major source of air pollution in the cities is the exhaust fumes from cars.
Similarly
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, more consumer goods means more use of natural resources and more waste. Waste is
also
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 increasing as companies are using
lower quality
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lower-quality
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 materials like plastic to maintain profit margins.
Secondly
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, materialism
also
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 has a negative effect on relationships as it forces
people
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 to work harder and spend less time with loved ones. In the long run, the love for materialistic
things
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 can never compete with
satisfaction
Correct article usage
the satisfaction
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people
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 achieve from relationships.
Thus
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, most
people
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 despite being richer and having more luxuries are less
happier
Correct word choice
happy
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 than before.
Finally
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, materialism is leading to crime as more and more
people
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 are resorting to unethical means like stealing to get
such
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things
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.
People
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 today value owning
such
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things
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 much more
over
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than
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 integrity and honesty.
Thus
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, society’s value systems are being corrupted by
this
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 trend.
To sum up
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, there is no doubt that the increasing
demand
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 for materialistic
things
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 has some advantages, but the drawbacks certainly outweigh them.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear logical flow throughout the essay by expanding on points made and making connections between ideas more explicit. Utilize a range of cohesive devices to give your essay better flow.
task achievement
While your essay presents clear ideas, try to delve deeper into the topic by providing more detailed examples and explanations to support each main point.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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