IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that government should not give international aid if they have disadvantaged people like unemployed and homeless in their own country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some people believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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governments should not give
aid
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 to poor
countries
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 if there are underprivileged people within their own
country
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. I believe that the developing and developed
countries
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 should always step forward to help the impoverished
countries
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. The main reason why
countries
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 should give
aid
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 is that international
aid
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 not only helps the recipient
country
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,
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 but
also
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 the donor
country
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.
In other words
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, as poor
countries
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 develop through
aid
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, it fosters international trade.
This
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 creates
higher
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a higher
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 demand for products made in
the
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rich
countries
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, which improves the economy of rich
countries
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 by creating jobs. So, homelessness and unemployment
of
Change preposition
in
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 donor
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country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
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is
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are
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also
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 addressed.
Secondly
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, international
aid
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 is not only given to reduce poverty
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 to improve the
country
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’s own security. By giving
aid
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, the economic condition of the poor
countries
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 improves and so the conditions that promote terrorism,
such
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 as poverty, unemployment and corruption are removed. So,
this
Linking Words
aid
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 promotes peace and stability in the whole world.
Finally
Linking Words
, giving
aid
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 adds to the power and influence of the rich
countries
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. Today, the status in the world is not based on military strength, but on relationships with other
countries
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.
This
Linking Words
aid
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 is accompanied by
development
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the development
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 of people-to-people contacts between the two
countries
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 and raises the image of that
country
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 in the eyes of the people of the recipient
country
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.
For example
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, recently, the United Nations HR
commission’s
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Commission’s
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 chairman had to be elected, and an Indian was elected because of the soft power that India has.
To sum up
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, I reiterate my opinion saying that all
countries
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 should help by giving foreign
aid
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 even if there are problems of unemployment and homelessness within them.

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introduction conclusion present
To enhance your essay, make sure to introduce your topic with a clear thesis statement that outlines the scope of the discussion and directly addresses the prompt. While your conclusion summarizes the essay well, try to tie it back more explicitly to the prompt's question regarding the extent of your agreement or disagreement.
logical structure
Your essay has good logical structure overall, but it can benefit from clearer transitions and more varied linking phrases between ideas and paragraphs. Try to include cohesive devices that better signal the relationship between points, such as comparison, contrast, cause, or effect.
supported main points
You have provided a few examples to support your main points. To improve, insert more specific real-world examples that demonstrate your argument. This will ground your points in reality and make your argument more persuasive. For instance, mentioning specific instances of foreign aid that resulted in trade benefits would strengthen your second paragraph.
complete response
Overall, your response to the task is complete and your ideas are clear and comprehensively explained. Remember, however, to address the counter-arguments to create a more balanced discussion. Reflecting on the complexities of the issue will show a deeper understanding and might earn you a higher score in task achievement.
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