IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #business #company #organization #outweigh
Some individuals choose to be entrepreneurs rather than being employees in a corporation.
While
 developing a self-owned business allows them to be flexibly paving their careers,
this
 essay thinks that it possesses a great risk of failure. On the one hand, individuals who have clear visions to become entrepreneurs are able to freely navigate their own career path.
Hence
, they have the flexibility to develop their innovation as products that they can sell to the public. They will not be constrained by company rules and they can independently decide the best measures for their business.
For example
, the digital innovation unit in a traditional corporation in Indonesia faces difficulties in developing
further
 features of its digital apps owing to the complex bureaucracy within the company and stakeholders’ conflicting interests.
On the other hand
, leading a business and striving for success is a challenging journey because of the risk of failing. Owners should have a clear goal and solid target markets to win customers in the competitive markets.
This
 process requires grit and perseverance to navigate the upcoming hurdles. If the products do not successfully attract customers, they have to iterate and pour more funding to introduce better products.
For instance
, many local skincare brands in Indonesia are closing down owing to the hypercompetitive markets and the generated revenues cannot keep up with the mounting costs.
This
 essay thinks that starting and running a self-owned firm has a risky prospect and
this
 outweighs the benefit of having one. In conclusion, even though being self-employed allows individuals to flexibly pave their career path,
this
 essay believes that it has a greater risk of failure because of the challenging environment.
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Coherence Cohesion
Your essay generally has a good logical flow, but at times, the link between ideas could be more explicit. To improve coherence, try using a wider range of linking words and phrases to better connect sentences and paragraphs.
Coherence Cohesion
Although an introduction and conclusion are present, they could be strengthened. In the introduction, clearly outline your main points to give the reader an idea of what to expect. The conclusion should summarize the key points without introducing new evidence. Ensure that it reflects back on the thesis stated in the introduction.
Coherence Cohesion
To support your main points more effectively, elaborate on your examples with more details and depth. Adding data or referencing research studies can bolster your argument's impact.
Task Achievement
You have responded to the task by mentioning both advantages and disadvantages of starting a business, which is good. However, to achieve a higher score in task achievement, ensure that you provide a balanced discussion of both sides, followed by a clear and strong personal stance that responds directly to the question posed.
Task Achievement
Your ideas are relevant but sometimes lack full development. Expand on your ideas with more comprehensive explanations that explore the reasons behind the statements you make. Include more nuanced arguments that consider multiple perspectives to improve clarity and depth.
Task Achievement
You have included specific examples which is good, but they can be more effective if they are more developed and directly linked to your main argument. Use these examples to clearly illustrate the point you are trying to make and help the reader understand your perspective.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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