IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that too much money has been spent looking after and repairing old buildings, so we should knock down old buildings and build modern ones instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #money #buildings #ones
Some
people
 believe that money is spent too much on taking care of and fixing
buildings
 that were built for a long
time
, so we must demolish those
buildings
 and build others that are modern. Personally, I partly disagree with
this
 statement for the following reasons.
Firstly
, destroying old
buildings
 to build others that are much more modern can affect countries’ cultural
value
Fix the agreement mistake
values
show examples
. Because some
buildings
 that were built for a long
time
 bring various values,
therefore
, when
people
 demolish some of the old
buildings
, they
also
 destroy the values that
buildings
 bring to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
However
, some ancient
buildings
 which have
value
 are run down seriously, so
people
 must repair them but still have to keep their character.
For instance
, in
Vietnam
Add a comma
Vietnam,
show examples
 there are a lot of ancient
buildings
 that have cultural
value
, but some of them are run down, so the local government decided to fix them but still retain their values.
Secondly
, some old
buildings
 are abandoned and run down after a long
time
 without being used.
This
 not only affects the landscape of those areas
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 affects
people’
Change noun form
people’s
show examples
 safety. When the
buildings
aren’t
Verb problem
haven’t
show examples
 used for a long
time
,
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 construction may be too old
,
Correct word choice
and, therefore
show examples
therefore
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can collapse and make
people
 around there
injured
Verb problem
apply
show examples
.
Furthermore
, some old
buildings
 have neither architectural nor cultural
value
, so those
buildings
 should be converted into modern ones,
instead
 of renovating them. In conclusion, knocking down the old
buildings
 and building modern ones
depend
Correct subject-verb agreement
depends
show examples
 on which
buildings
 they are, because some of them are countries’ symbols.

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structure
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea and logical progression.
development
Expand and clarify your ideas. Make sure that each point is fully developed and explained, so the reader understands how it relates to the main topic.
examples
Use specific examples to support your points. Specific examples make your argument more convincing and relevant.
cohesion
Work on linking ideas within and between paragraphs using a wider range of cohesive devices and transition words.
task response
Address the task prompt more directly and develop a stronger argument for your position. Make sure to cover all parts of the question.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Preservation
  • Restoration
  • Demolition
  • Architectural heritage
  • Cultural significance
  • Tourist attraction
  • Urban landscape
  • Sustainability
  • Conservation
  • Economic benefits
  • Historical landmarks
  • Urban renewal
  • Infrastructure
  • Maintenance costs
  • Modern amenities
  • Building regulations
  • Community identity
  • Heritage conservation
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