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Writing Samples
Band 6

Countries around the world require more and more energy every year for domestic and industrial use. What are the causes of this excessive energy consumption, and how does it affect the environment?

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There is an increasing consumption of
energy
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 every year in nations all over the
world
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 for domestic and industrial
use
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. The main causes of
this
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 problem are the growing population and the revolution in industries.
This
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 can lead to several problems regarding the environment,
for instance
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, the destruction of nature and the never-ending pollution. Nowadays, people all over the
world
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 have reached roughly 8 billion.
This
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 great number requires countries around the
world
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 to
use
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energy
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 in a great amount for the well-being of all people.
This
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 unavoidable situation is hard to control.
Moreover
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, in
this
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 fast-paced
world
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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industries have played a major role and grown significantly. They tend to
use
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 a lot of
energy
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 in order to run the operation and make a lot of profit from it. A concrete example of
this
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 is the mining industry, where they take the
energy
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 without any doubt and sell it to the market at a very high price. All the problems that have been mentioned above are truly impacting the environment. The destruction of forests all over the
world
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 is really happening nowadays.
The deforestation
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Deforestation
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 is leading to the loss of habitats for a variety of species in the
world
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,
such
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 as orangutans and Sumatran tigers. Other than that, excessive
use
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 of
energy
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 can cause massive pollution in either water, air, or even land.
This
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 is very dangerous for the sustainability of the earth. There will be a possibility that
energy
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 can't be used in the future
due to
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this
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 excessive usage. To summarize, the overuse of
energy
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 that happens year after year in countries around the
world
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 is caused by the growth of population and industrialization.
This
Linking Words
 problem leads to natural damage and a high level of pollution.

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coherence cohesion
Look to expand your essay by including clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader on the specific aspect you will be addressing. This will greatly enhance the logical structure.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your introduction and conclusion are clear. Your conclusion does well to summarize your points, but your introduction could provide a clearer outline of the essay content that follows.
task achievement
Support your main points with more specific examples and data where possible. Rather than just stating that industries consume energy to make a profit, explain how certain practices in these industries lead to excessive energy use and its direct effects on the environment.
task achievement
Ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the prompt. It's important to not only discuss causes but also to delve deeper into the effects on the environment and possibly offer solutions.
task achievement
Consider expanding on your ideas to be more comprehensive. For instance, discuss the impacts of technological advancements on energy consumption and the potential role renewable energy could play in mitigating environmental effects.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • excessive energy consumption
  • industrial growth
  • economic development
  • higher living standards
  • electronic gadgets
  • appliances
  • urbanization
  • infrastructure
  • transportation networks
  • energy-intensive
  • deforestation
  • land use changes
  • natural systems
  • artificial climate control
  • manufacturing
  • housing
  • daily life activities
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