IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Doctors,nurses and teachers make a great contribution to society should be payed more than entertainment and celebrities. Do you agree or disagree?

#doctors #nurses #teachers #contribution #society #entertainment #celebrities
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It is a common belief that healthcare
workers
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 and
teachers
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 who make a great contribution to
society
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 should earn higher salaries than
entertainers
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 and
celebrities
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. Personally, I partially agree with
this
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 point of view. A discussion of
this
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 issue
as well as
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 my thoughts, will be highlighted in the write-up.
To begin
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 with, there are various reasons why those professional
workers
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 should earn more
money
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 than others.
Firstly
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, Doctors and nurses play a more important role in
society
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,
this
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 is because everyone can be ill, even
a
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with a
show examples
horrible disease. To be more specific,
people
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 need to rely on their acknowledgement to cure diseases.
For example
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, a normal vomit in a woman can mean something,
such
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 as ill or pregnant,
people
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 will never know unless they go to see a doctor.
Secondly
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,
the
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apply
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healthcare
workers
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 and
teachers
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 are highly required for education level.
In other words
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,
people
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 who
wanted
Wrong verb form
want
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 to be
a
Correct article usage
apply
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doctor
Fix the agreement mistake
doctors
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 or
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
 must have finished university.
For instance
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,They need to put more effort, time and
money
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 into their studying.
Therefore
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Doctors,Nurses and
teachers
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 deserve higher wages than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
entertainers
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 and
celebrities
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.
Nevertheless
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, the contribution to
society
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 of the entertainment industry and
celebrities
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 cannot be neglected. First of all,
people
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 cannot deny the good influence the
entertainers
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 or
celebrities
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 can have on us.
This
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 is because they are more famous than normal
people
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, so they can use their voices to stand up to support some social issues.
For example
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, Taylar Swift, who is the most
known
Correct word choice
well-known
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 singer in the industry and has a huge fan base, can use her own voice to tell
people
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 to stop school bullying more effectively than others.
Moreover
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, some
of
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apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
celebrities
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also
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 can earn huge
money
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 by promoting themselves
in
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on
show examples
 social media. If they can earn a lot of
money
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, they will definitely pay more taxes to the government which is good for
society
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 as well. In conclusion,
although
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entertainers
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 and
celebrities
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 have their own way
to contribute
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of contributing
show examples
 to
society
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, I still think that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthcare
workers
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 and
teachers
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 are more necessary to get paid higher wages.
Submitted by 68aimmia on

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task achievement
Make sure the introduction includes a clear thesis statement that reflects your viewpoint and previews the main points to be discussed. Consider rephrasing the opening sentence to more directly engage with the prompt. For example: "While some argue that the vital roles of healthcare workers and teachers in society warrant higher compensation in comparison to entertainers and celebrities, I believe that despite their different contributions, the remuneration of such professions should be more balanced, reflecting both societal impact and individual effort."
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, work on transitioning smoothly between ideas. Use a wider range of cohesive devices and topic sentences that clearly signal the topic of the paragraph. Avoid abrupt topic shifts. For example, instead of 'Firstly, Doctors and nurses...', you could use 'Turning to the essential services provided by healthcare professionals, one cannot overstate...'.
coherence cohesion
To enhance logical structure, ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next. This includes a clear progression of ideas and more elaborate development of arguments. Consider expanding on points with more detailed examples and explanations that are directly linked to the essay's main argument.
task achievement
Address the counterarguments with a bit more depth to build a stronger case for your argument. Take the time to explore the complexities of the issue, which will show a range of ideas and a more nuanced understanding of the task.
task achievement
Back up your points with specific examples. While you chose relevant examples, like the mention of Taylor Swift, expand upon them to clearly demonstrate how they tie back to your argument. This adds credibility and depth to your essay.
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