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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some parents and teachers think that children’s behavior should be strictly controlled. While some think that children should be free to behave. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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These days, various parenting styles are used to behave
children
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. Many are of the opinion that it is
adults
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' responsibility to strictly control
kids
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' behaviour for character building,
while
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 others generally think that
children
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 deserve their own freedom to act. Even though both views contain valid facts, I strongly believe that
a child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 may have their own space to think and behave for the best results in character development.
To begin
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 with, it is understandable that some
adults
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 may prefer to overpower youngsters.
Children
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 are born into
this
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 world empty-headed and will eventually gain the knowledge to behave as they grow up. Some grownups are convinced that they are in charge of
kids
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' behaviour.
Although
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this
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 mindset may seem toxic, in my understanding, those who control their little ones to behave tend to teach discipline in a strict way.
For example
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, I grew up in a society where adult supervision is expected in public.
This
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 particular circumstance makes the blame all pointed to the
adults
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, even when it is a slight misbehave of the
kids
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,
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apply
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 because they believe there are positive outcomes by strictly ruling the
kids
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.
On the other hand
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, the bright side of letting
children
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 behave freely is greater. By giving space for
children
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 to behave, they will start to get to know themselves in so many ways. The statement that says parental supervision is important appeals to both opinions, but in
this
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 case, it is way more beneficial for the
kids
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 to explore the world with no strict limits.
For instance
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,
adults
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 who trusted me to behave in my way tend to stimulate my sensitivity to manners, so in the future, I will behave based on what I have truly experienced.
To conclude
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, both views elaborate valid arguments. On one, strictly behaving
children
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 are depicted as a form of discipline making,
while
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 contrastingly giving freedom may provide a bigger positive impact by training their sense of responsibility to act. I stand with the larger impact-making point.

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task achievement
Ensure each body paragraph has a clear main idea and fully extends and supports that idea. You should expand your arguments with more specific examples and explanations to strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating more cohesive devices to enhance the essay's flow. These may include transition words, linking phrases, and a more systematic progression of ideas.
task achievement
Be more consistent in your opinion throughout the essay. If you are giving your personal point of view, make it clear in the introduction and reaffirm this stance in your conclusion for a stronger, more persuasive argument.
coherence cohesion
For a higher score, ensure that your conclusion summarizes all main points of your discussion and clearly expresses your stance without introducing new ideas.
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