Whether or not a person achieves their aims in life is mostly related to luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Luck
plays a role in everyone’s lives and their road to
success
.
While
some people rely on
luck
and believe that it is an essential factor to
success
, others argue that hard
work
and personal
effort
matters
Correct subject-verb agreement
matter
show examples
more. Even though
luck
can
play
Verb problem
have
show examples
a minor impact,
effort
is more pivotal to an individual’s
success
because it is under their control and hard
work
is necessary to seize the opportunity created by
luck
. Admittedly, some individuals attain
success
without putting in much
work
, but
such
situations are uncommon, because
luck
is not something that can fully guarantee
success
.
Luck
is a chance occurrence and there is no way of controlling it, it may come or it may not. Personal
effort
and hard
work
however
Add the comma(s)
, however
show examples
, are in the hands of every individual, and they can use it to create their future of
success
.
Therefore
most successful people worked hard to get there and overcome various challenges along the way. Their determination, tenacity, and hard
work
are the driving factors that determine their achievements. Even if
luck
is to come to a person, it cannot help them achieve their aims in life if they do not put any exertion into it.
For instance
, an individual
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
born into a wealthy family is lucky, they have more economic freedom and
therefore
they do not have to face a lot of
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
barriers that block them from numerous opportunities. Now it is their turn to use those opportunities to help them achieve their aims in life. If the individual does not
work
their part to utilize their advantages
then
their
luck
is useless to their path to
success
. In conclusion,
while
luck
can
play
Verb problem
apply
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
influence
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
an individual's achievement,
effort
is more important, it is not possible to control
luck
and
work
is required to take the opportunity created by
luck
.
Submitted by ngocnamkhue.nguyen on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
You can improve the logical structure by ensuring smooth transitions between paragraphs and emphasizing how each idea connects to your main argument. Try to use a variety of cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
It's great that you have an introduction and conclusion, but to improve, ensure your introduction more clearly outlines the essay's arguments and the conclusion summarizes them effectively, reinforcing your stance.
coherence cohesion
To support your main points more effectively, include more detailed evidence and examples. This can include hypothetical scenarios, historical events, or personal experiences that directly support your argument.
task achievement
Your response is complete but could be enhanced by discussing the counterpoint in more detail. This will demonstrate a fuller understanding of the topic and show you can refute opposing arguments comprehensively.
task achievement
Try to expand on your ideas to make them more comprehensive. Providing further analysis and depth to each point will make your stance stronger and your arguments more persuasive.
task achievement
To score higher on task achievement, strive to include more relevant and specific examples that directly relate to the question. Drawing from a wider range of sources or adding more in-depth personal insight could strengthen your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: