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Band 5

Some argue that schools are no longer necessary because children learn so much from the Internet and can be educated at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#argue #schools #children #internet #home
A group of people believe that formal
education
 at
school
does
Verb problem
is
show examples
 not needed anymore
due to
 kids obtain
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
abundant
knowledge
 from the
world
 wide web and
also
 can utilise the online materials for them to study at home. Admittedly, I strongly believe that those are the case, because in
this
 disruption of technology, the
world
 is changing to a more dynamic
education
 system that
provide
Change the verb form
provides
show examples
 alternatives for children in terms of learning. The development of technology
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 has taken people to a multidimensional condition that
giving
Wrong verb form
gives
show examples
 them a great
oppportunity
Correct your spelling
opportunity
in gaining
Change preposition
to gain
show examples
knowledge
, far beyond the traditional way. Young learners tend to gain information directly from the
internet
, the windows of the
world
, and apply the "theories" they get to their actual
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. Evidence of
this
 appears in my own experience; my third daughter in 3rd level of elementary
school
 can learn how to make traditional musical instruments by watching
Correct article usage
the Youtube
show examples
Youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
 platform
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and exposing her skill in playing
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 on Tiktok.
Therefore
,
internet
 development gives
a higher alternatives
Correct the article-noun agreement
a higher alternative
higher alternatives
show examples
 for youngsters in gaining
knowledge
 other than formal
school
.
Likewise
, specifically after the outbreaks of COVID-19 cases in 2019 and so on, the
world
also
adjust
Wrong verb form
adjusted
show examples
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 approach in terms of transforming the
tradition
Replace the word
traditional
show examples
 face-to-face
education
 at
school
 to a video conference system that connects people just only sitting
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their own study room at home. One piece of evidence for
this
 is that lessons that used to be delivered at
scholl
Correct your spelling
school
, in fact, can be implemented at home just like my nephews did; he downloaded the teaching materials, and
watching
Wrong verb form
watched
show examples
 their teacher giving their ideas, even discussing just like in the classroom. In conclusion, technological advances benefit society in numerous ways, specifically for children in gaining
knowledge
, not only from the formal
education
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
,
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apply
show examples
 but
also
 from the
internet
.
Besides
, they do not need to attend the physical meeting
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but only need
internet
 infrastructure to make them study from a remote area
such
 as their own house.
Submitted by thesisabri on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the supporting sentences directly relate to this main idea. Avoid adding new ideas or evidence without proper explanation or linkage.
coherence cohesion
Develop your points further with more detailed and nuanced explanations. While your essay includes examples, they could be expanded upon to show a deeper analysis of the topic.
task achievement
Strive for a balanced approach by considering and acknowledging the opposing viewpoint. This will make your argument more robust and provide a more complete response to the question.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to sentence structure and variety. Try to use a mix of complex and simple sentences appropriately to make your ideas clearer and more sophisticated.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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