IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people believe famous people's support towards international aid ,organizations draws the attention to problems, while others think celebritiesmake the problems less important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #support #aid #organizations #attention #celebritiesmake
In the modern era, since social
media
such
 as TV, Instagram, and YouTube
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
show examples
 a paramount role in the younger generation,
people
 who have massive influence through TV and social
media
 have had considerable power in the public by working with non-profit
organisations
 to foster younger
people
's interests in social issues.
Although
Correct word choice
However
show examples
 the other part of
people
 believe that they just show off their influence to the public rather than amplifying the internationally valuable campaign.
To begin
 with, there are society members who insist that famous
people
 just enjoy their power and the position as a person representing a positive reputation from being a member of non-profit
organisations
such
 as World Vision or Unicef.
This
 can be seen that making famous individuals a representative of non-government aid leads to neglecting or marginalising the social issues as they take all highlights from the
people
.
This
 is the viewpoint which should be considered as negative impact.
Nonetheless
, the other point of view can be raised by others that the MZ generation is mostly exposed to information through social-based platforms
such
 as TV, and advertisements from social
media
 with their loved well-known
people
. Especially, when it comes to the non-profit companies' activities, they might not have enough promotion to make their values known to societies without effective methods to make their work well-recognised.
However
, as a massive number of
people
 utilise social
media
 in order to support their celebrities, empowering worldwide well-known influencers to post some information on social
media
 can be one of the efficient ways to let others know about world-based
organisations
' priceless
campaign
Fix the agreement mistake
campaigns
show examples
.
To conclude
,
although
 there are some
people
 bringing
such
 negative impact of worldwide well-known
people
 working with international aid who do not pursue financial benefit
such
 as having more focusing on their power than the
organisations
' meaning, it cannot be deniable that hiring famous
people
 as a means of encouraging younger
people
 to have their interests in what the
organisations
 are doing.
Submitted by yeseulyou92 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Make sure your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction should present the topic and your thesis, the body paragraphs should explore both views and provide examples, and the conclusion should summarize your discussion and restate your opinion.
cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices such as linking words and phrases effectively. Avoid overusing them and ensure they aid in logical progression of ideas.
development
Develop your main points by providing relevant, specific examples. This adds weight to your arguments and demonstrates a deeper understanding of the topic.
task response
Stay focused on the essay prompt and ensure all parts of the task are answered. Clearly express your opinion on the matter and support it throughout the essay.
paragraphing
Organize your paragraphs clearly with one central idea per paragraph. Use topic sentences to introduce the paragraph's main point and subsequent sentences to develop that point with explanations and examples.
language
Be mindful of grammar and vocabulary. Use varied sentence structures and a range of vocabulary to clearly express your ideas. Proofread to minimize errors.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: