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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table illustrates secondary and high school teachers’ earnings in Australia, Denmark, Luxembourg, Japan and Korea in 2009.

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The table denotes the salaries of secondary or high school teachers in 2009 in several
countries
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such
Linking Words
 as
Australia
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, Denmark,
Luxembourg
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,
Japan
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 and
Korea
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.
Overall
Linking Words
,
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country
Add an article
a country
the country
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 that possessed the lowest income was
Australia
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,
while
Linking Words
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country
Add an article
the country
a country
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 that
aforded
Correct your spelling
afforded
 the highest salary was
Luxembourg
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, After fifteen
years
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Change preposition
of experiences
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experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
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, the salaries that were acquired by
Australia
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 and
Korea
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was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 similar. Starting
of
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off
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 the income that was obtained by
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Add an article
the teacher
a teacher
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teacher
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teachers
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 in
Australia
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only
Add a missing verb
was only
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 $28,000, and it
become
Wrong verb form
became
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 the lowest
than
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in
show examples
 other
countries
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.
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Teacher
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Teachers
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 in
Japan
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 and
Korea
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 gained income
approximately
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of approximately
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 $30,000.
While
Linking Words
,
paying
Wrong verb form
pay
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to
Change preposition
for
show examples
Use synonyms
Add an article
the teacher
a teacher
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teacher
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teachers
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 in
Denmak
Correct your spelling
Denmark
 was higher than
three
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in three
show examples
 other
countries
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 like
Australia
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,
Japan
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 and
Korea
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.
Luxembourg
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 gave well-paid to
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teacher
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teachers
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 which was $80,000. After teachers had
an experiences
Correct the article-noun agreement
experiences
an experience
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around
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of around
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 15
years
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, in
Australia
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 and
Korea
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, they only received $48,000.
Whereas
Linking Words
,
Luxembourg
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's
country
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 was
steady
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steadily
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 becoming
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country
Correct article usage
a country
show examples
 that
aforded
Correct your spelling
afforded
 the teachers with the highest payment namely $119,000 than other
countries
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. It is
also
Linking Words
 clear that
Louxemburg
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Luxembourg
Luxemburg
,
Japan
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 and
Korea
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 attained maximum salary over 30
years
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, and
Australia
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 and Denmark were only thereinafter 10
years
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.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 83%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words countries, australia, luxembourg, japan, korea, country, years, teacher with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • secondary school
  • high school
  • earnings
  • salaries
  • cost of living
  • demand
  • governmental budgets
  • Gross Domestic Product (GDP)
  • economic health
  • quality of education
  • retention rates
  • social recognition
  • professional status
  • financial stability
  • performance
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