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Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Should the government fund the education and healthcare system? What is your opinion?

#government #fund #education #healthcare #system
It is irrefutable that a
country
's growth largely depends on how educated and healthy its citizens are, and
therefore
 some people suggest a free and state-provided healthcare and
education
 system. The burgeoning population and the lack of funds,
however
, often make it harder for the authorities to bear the expenses.
Therefore
, I disagree with the opinion stated and believe that an effective solution, in
this
 case, would be to divide the expenditures between the
government
 and the individuals.
To begin
 with,
education
, nowadays, plays a vital role in the development of society. Not only does it create job opportunities but
also
 helps people become aware of the socio-economic issues of the
country
. Making
education
 free till the age of 18 would encourage pupils to finish at least their secondary
education
.
For instance
, the percentage of student enrollment in schools in 2020 in my
country
 increased by 35% more than that in 2015, and it was because the
government
 exempted fees for students in these classes.
Moreover
, the healthcare system can
also
 be improved by providing either health insurance or schemes that cover a minimum of 50 per cent of the cost.
Thus
 people would not feel that healthcare is expensive, and the
government
 would not need to bear the expenses alone. A healthier nation can help the
country
 achieve greater heights as citizens in
such
 countries are more productive.
Consequently
, economic growth will be bolstered and the
government
 will be able to become self-reliant.
To conclude
, with the implementation of shared measures to support
education
 and treatment, there would be no burden either on the
government
 or individuals. Both the
government
 and individuals can go hand in hand to cope with
this
 and build an enlightened and healthy nation.
Submitted by lychieuxien on

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introduction
Ensure that the introduction clearly presents the topic and your stance on it. While your introduction sets up the essay, including a clearer thesis statement would help define your position more directly.
coherence
Use a range of cohesive devices effectively throughout the essay to provide a clear structure. Your essay showcased a good use of linking words, but varying them more and ensuring paragraphs flow seamlessly will enhance cohesion.
examples
Develop each main point with specific, detailed examples. You mentioned statistical data but providing additional support or sources would make the argument more compelling.
paragraph development
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic that is fully developed and not merely listed. Your essay outlined various thoughts, but expanding these with in-depth reasoning or examples would improve clarity and depth.
conclusion
The conclusion is important and should not only summarize key points but also clearly restate your opinion in relation to the question. Ensure that it is persuasive and aligns with the content of your essay.
task response
Address all parts of the task by ensuring that you express your opinion throughout the essay. While your opinion was mentioned, it should be more prominent throughout each section of the response.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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